Olympics Day 1: Moral Gymnastics Competition
Today, as you may have heard, is the first day of the 2008 Olympics. I usually find the Olympics pretty boring, but this year’s edition features an exciting new event: Moral Gymnastics, and the Republicans are heavily favored to walk away with the gold.
The scoring is similar to that of figure skating: Competitors are graded from 1 to 6 on awfulness, with multipliers for hypocrisy and media coverage (also 1 to 6).
John Edwards. Cheated on his wife while her cancer was in remission, came clean to her but not the voters, ran for president anyway. Not a family values scold.
Awfulness: 2, Hypocrisy Multiplier: 1, Media Multiplier: 6. Total Score: 12.
John McCain. Cheated on his disabled wife when he returned from Vietnam, eventually marrying the woman he was having an affair with. Possible affair with lobbyist Vicki Iseman. Not as family values-obsessed as most Republicans, distrusted by Religious Right.
Awfulness: 4, Hypocrisy Multiplier: 3, Media Multiplier: "Huh?" Total Score: Naught.
Newt Gingrich. Cheated on his first wife and presented her with divorce papers while she was in the hospital. Later had extramarital affair while trying to impeach Clinton for an extramarital affair.
Awfulness: 6, Hypocrisy Multiplier: 6, Media Multiplier: 1. Total Score: 36.
Mark Foley. Attempted to seduce underage male pages via Sexy Instant Messaging. Co-chair of Committee for Missing and Exploited Children.
Awfulness: 6, Hypocrisy Multiplier: 6, Media Multiplier: 3. Total Score: 108.
David Vitter. "DC Madam" client with diaper fetish. Family values Republican and backer of Constitutional amendment to outlaw same-sex marriage.
Awfulness: 2, Hypocrisy Multiplier: 6, Media Multiplier: 2. Total Score: 24.
Larry Craig. Attempted to solicit gay sex in an airport men’s room via wide-stanced toe-tapping semaphore. Consistent anti-gay voting record.
Awfulness: 2, Hypocrisy Multiplier: 6, Media Multiplier: 3. Total Score: 36.
"Jeff Gannon." Male prostitute, allowed to join White House Press Corps despite total lack of legitimate journalistic credentials. Possible unexplained sleepovers.
Awfulness: 2, Hypocrisy Multiplier: 3, Media Multiplier: "Who? What?" Total Score: Bupkus.
George W. Bush. Repeatedly fucked 300 million people, over a period of eight years, no lube. Forged evidence to justify invasion and destruction of Iraq, turned Justice Department into his own personal goon squad, ignored all legal prohibitions against warrantless spying, torture, and imprisonment without trial, all while aggressively "promoting democracy" abroad.
Awfulness: 43, Hypocrisy Multiplier: 6, Media Multiplier: 2. Total Score: 516.
As I expected, the Republican team are the clear-cut winners – in more ways than one. And that scoring system may need some adjustments…
(Thanks to Peterr for the idea, and dakine for the truly disturbing list of Republican sex scandals)