John McCain: Too Archaic To Be President?
I’m sure that by now you are all familiar with WSJ reporter Amy Chozick’s journalistic tour-de-force, wherein she broke new journalistic ground by using a Yahoo message board to show that the 66% of American citizens who are overweight would never "vote for any beanpole guy" like Barack Obama, preferring instead to vote for morbidly obese land whales like George W. Bush and John McCain. (And by "66% of American citizens," I mean, of course, "onlinebeerbellygirl.")
At the very least, she makes a compelling case that Senator Obama will have a hard time winning the all-important Yahoo message board demographic.
Or will he? Using the very same Cutting-Edge Journalistic Techniques and airclad logic as Ms. Chozick, I have uncovered an even more serious vulnerability for Senator McCain: 73% of Americans use the internet, and McCain, well… not so much. Could this cost him the votes of the interneterati? Let’s see what kind of responses I get to my query, "Does anyone out there think John McCain is too computer-illiterate to be president? Anyone have a hard time relating to him and his ‘having to rely on his wife for all the assistance he can get’?"
"omg ru kidding? mai preznit must haz teh l33t sk1llz!!1!" opined some guy on the internet.
"if he don’t know how to do the google, he aint getting anywhere near my tubes [smileyface wink smileyface]," declared trollop2868.
"If you ignore the future, it will go away," said, um, me. (Hey, there’s no rule that says I can’t comment too – I’m an internet user!)
There were a few dissenting opinions (unlike Ms. Chozick, I will report those too):
"I’m voting for McCain because i KNOW he never uses the computer to visit pRon sites," said The LoneStranger. (pRon rPaul sites?)
"At least we don’t have to worry about him losing the Social Security trust fund in an online poker game, or sending it all to some spammer in Nigeria," observed KarlBove1950.
But aside from a few dissenters who worried about a president with reckless internet habits, the homogeneous and tightly-knit internet community was overwhelmingly against the idea of voting for someone who thinks Second Life must be some kind of evangelical reference.
Clearly, this will be a huge problem for McCain in November, as the 73% of Americans who can’t relate to his borderline Luddism will outnumber the 66% who can’t relate to Obama’s svelte physique, leading to a crushing defeat for the Republican. His only hope for success is a campaign slogan which plays to his positives. My recommendation is "McCain ’08: No Midget Porn." I’ll leave it to someone else to design the logo…