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“I’ll Meet You at the 19th Foxhole!”

“Now watch this drive.”

From Think Progress:

QUESTION: Ok. This is the last thing, I promise. I’m sure you heard what the President said about how he’s not playing golf now. Did you have any kind of feelings about that, because I guess some people in the golf community were a little bit hurt by that somehow.

RICE: I just think the President made that choice, and he is somebody who really feels strongly about having people sacrifice. He wanted to do this. I know that the President cares a lot about sports and he keeps himself in awfully good shape. He rides his bike, keeps himself in very good shape, and I think that’s the important thing.

QUESTION: So Cabinet secretaries can still play?

RICE: Cabinet secretaries and the President can all do exactly what they wish. But all of us are trying to stay in shape in these tough jobs.

Deconstructing the Constitution, defunding the United States Treasury, and sending troops off to their death or dismemberment is exceptionally hard work. We all know how much it means to President Bush to get in his eight hours of uninterrupted sleep, two hours of mountain biking a day, and the occasional footrace against a one-legged veteran, but here at D.C. Fitness Magazine, we were curious to know whether anybody else in his Cabinet and administration were as diligent as the President about maintaining their fitness levels. So we submitted a questionnaire to the top dogs in the Bush administration how they prefer to stay in shape. We think you’ll come away with a few ideas to incorporate into your own workout!

Dick Cheney (Vice President): Mr. Cheney enjoys a diet of game fowl, rich pastries, and "les petits chats," and with a chronic heart condition, he has to be especially careful of not overdoing the exercise. His favorite workout? The Wii that his wife, Lynne, bought him for Christmas. "My favorite game is ‘Age of Empire’," says Cheney. "I get my exercise by slaughtering entire villages and routing armies. You don’t realize how exhausting it is wielding a broadsword all day!" Building upper body strength is important, but what about a lower body workout? "Well, I have gout, so I don’t spend a lot of time on my feet," Cheney tells us. "But personally, I love the flare-ups. They keep me on my toes."

Condoleezza Rice (Secretary of State): It’s not every Secretary of State who can don an S.S. uniform and still be dubbed a "fashion icon" by Vanity Fair Magazine, so Condi Rice makes sure she keeps in shape. She eschews desserts and often makes a lo-cal meal from White House leftovers. Up at 4:30 in the morning to pump iron and get in some cardio (Katrina and the Waves’ "Walkin’ on Sunnis" is one of her favorite workout tunes) before the daily 7:00 a.m. Presidential Prayer and Prostration, Rice also likes to hit the links in what little spare time she has between negotiating Middle East peace treaties and scooping up bargains at the latest Barney’s Warehouse sale. "Every time I tee off," she says, "I think, ‘Condi, that ball could be an IED, for all you know.’ Thinking that keeps me in touch with our troops overseas."

Stephen Hadley (National Security Adviser): Waiters at The Palm often mistake Hadley with Fred Barnes of "The McLaughlin Group" and Fox News’ "The Beltway Boys," but Hadley assures us that any similarities end there. Thanks to a strict diet of Pat Robertson’s Age-Defying Protein Shake and the televangelist’s "Robust Living" line of food products, Hadley can leg press an armored Humvee with four paraplegics inside. "I know how important it is to our troops that we in the Administration stay strong for their benefit. There’s nothing worse than lying in a hospital bed at Walter Reed and being awarded a medal of honor by some fat slob who can’t even climb a flight of stairs without wheezing." Hadley’s next goal: Climbing Mt. Everest in Tibet.

Josh Bolten (Chief of Staff): Josh Bolten, the Jeeves to Bush’s Wooster, is a soft-spoken man who prefers to get his exercise through his principal love — photography. "My favorite subjects are Bush’s hands," Bolten confesses shyly. "They’re so . . . manly and fascinating. I go with him on all of his rides so that I can capture the essence of his hands through candid shots of him donning his biking gloves, putting on his helmet, you know, that kind of stuff. I’ve learned how to bicycle without holding on so my camera is always at the ready for just the right shot. George Bush is one of the most graceful men I’ve ever known." Bolten notes that riding a mountain bike over rugged terrain without using his hands has incredible core-strengthening benefits, as well!

Next month, we’ll talk to members of Congress about their favorite healthful recipes they enjoy while thinking about our troops overseas.


P.S. Some people in the golf community were "hurt" because of Bush’s alleged "sacrifice" for the troops? WTF? Well, sure, he could have given up the sauce, but then we wouldn’t be entertained by his terms of endearment for foreign dignitaries.

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NYC-based aquatic feline that likes long walks on the beach, illuminating the hypocrisies of "family values" Republicans, and engaging in snarling snarkitude.