Mac & The Knife
A few months after the removal of precancerous growths and polyps from his face and colon, Senator McCain was forced to undergo a pair of painful pastorectemy procedures yesterday to cut out two malignant tumors which had threatened to cripple or even kill his presidential campaign.
"We had been urging the Senator to deal with this condition since March," said McCain lobbyist-campaign adviser Charlie Black, "but you know how stubborn he can be. Once he takes a position on something, he never ever changes it."
"Boy howdy, some of the things he called me when I tried to persuade him, I still have blisters on that side of my face," added lobbyist-campaign manager Rick Davis. "In the end, it took me and several other lobbyists to hold him down and drag him to the operating room. He’s strong as a bull, you know. Incredibly virile. They had to send out for extra anesthesia from another hospital to knock him out, that’s how strong he is."
The Associated Press reports that McCain has already made a full recovery. Early this morning, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee wrestled a bear, bench-pressed a Hummer, and slept with five blonde lobbyists before a small group of hand-picked lobbyist-reporters to demonstrate his physical fitness.
However, doctors caution that McCain is not out of the woods yet. "This particular type of malignancy can leave permanent scarring and other traces behind, and is known to have a high rate of recurrence, particularly at times of high stress such as a presidential campaign," explained McCain’s lobbyist-physician Lilly Pfizer. "He will need to be monitored round-the-clock by sexy blonde lobbyist-nurses for signs of a relapse."
Some outside observers have expressed concern that McCain may also suffer from a very serious condition known as dubyanoma. Not only is it impossible to remove through surgery, but it is highly resistant to the most common cancer therapies, as it is already both toxic and radioactive. Only a very small segment of the population is susceptible to it, but experts on the condition have confirmed that McCain belongs to one of the most high-risk groups. "If the Senator does have it, and I think he does, his only option is to pray that it just goes away on its own," said a lobbyist close to the McCain campaign, speaking on condition of anonymity.