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Late Night: Who’s Gonna Be the Sucke… I Mean, GOP Veep Candidate?

Via TBogg, I observe that the Red State inmates are solemnly pondering the pressing issue of who exactly is going to be the sap — uh, I mean, the lucky individual — who will become John McCain’s running mate. It is a difficult question: who would like to play second banana to a deranged fossil whose solution to the problem of economic disaster is a pointless eternal war in which everyone dies? The Red Staters make some intriguing suggestions; I was especially impressed by the serious consideration given to such conservative luminaries as Rick Santorum (!) and noted crazy person Pete Hoekstra (R, Bedlam).

The Red Staters are no doubt quite correct to ignore such trivial issues as the fact that McCain is committed to extending for the next several centuries a miserable war that two-thirds of the country hates, or that McCain wants every old person in the country who isn’t him to subsist entirely on beans and dog food for the entirety of their golden years during a time of general economic hardship brought on by exactly the same dumbass economic policies that he endorses. And one can also but marvel at the intelligence that is capable of producing such wisdom as this:

Conservatives, however, would appreciate McCain picking someone from the Bush Administration who is a solid policy man with an untarnished image.

No doubt, no doubt. Nevertheless, it may prove to be the case that such paragons are as easily located as unicorns or the old-school Snuffalupagus, who, despite his bulk, was only visible to his friend Big Bird, just as Bush administration officials with ability and integrity are only visible to the geniuses who populate Red State diaries and comments sections.

So it is in the spirit of aisle-crossing comity that I hereby propose that the Conservative Movement "think outside the box" and examine certain "dark horse" possibilities for the vice presidency who will admirably compensate for McCain’s undeniable weaknesses and will also be acceptable to Movement Conservatives who constitute the Republican "base" (or more precisely, the Republican "baseheads.")

ANN COULTER. Coulter is certainly the darling of GOP baseheads, and since she is female, will appeal to women everywhere, especially those women who are really, really stupid and filled with venom and hatred for themselves as well the very notion of life on this planet still existing by the expiration of the next president’s term of office. Also, Coulter is "easy on the eyes" if you gouge them out and stomp them into jelly first. It’s really a "win-win" and a "no brainer" here, in more ways than one.

STEWART GRIFFIN. Baby Stewie should neatly offset the perceived problem that McCain may have with his age, though he remains quite sprightly for a man who went to high school with Methuselah and can’t remember from day to day just who he wants to wage interminable war with, exactly. Also, Stewie and McCain share exactly the same domestic and foreign policy agenda.

ZOMBIE RONALD REAGAN. Need I say more? This is an evergreen for the GOP, and has been a consistent winner for them since at least 1980.

Anyway, leave your own ideas in the comments. We shouldn’t like our friends on the Right to ever think we are anything less than helpful, now, would we? I should say not.

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A community college professor from upstate NY. My wife & I have 347 children, all of them rotten.