(Originally posted at Break the Terror)
The other day, I was killing time between setting up appointments with clients (Dial 5 numbers, take a break, Dial 3 more, another break…), and reading posts at the Blend, and suddenly came upon a comment in the thread about the pastor in North Carolina who thinks he’s ex-gay, and his poor wife is naive enough to believe he doesn’t think about men when they’re being intimate with the lights off…that’s not what this is about…but the comment was about how the “testimonies” of these “ex-gays” are always focused on how they “fell into homosexuality” (that pile of leaves is covering up a big penis!) and immediately started whoring around and doing lots of drugs, and then, one day (surprise!) found that whoring around and doing lots of drugs made them feel empty (really? WOW!), but the kicker is that they always blame their sexuality for their emptiness, rather than, I dunno, the fact that sleeping with a different person every night without any love or commitment can be emotionally scarring. The commenter pointed out that he had felt that he “can’t be the only gay man” who feels differently about these issues, who believes in monogamy, believes in God, and that these issues have nothing to do with sexuality. Almost as if on cue, four people, including yours truly, replied to that comment with similar sentiments. Here’s what I said:
me three (0.00 / 0)
i’m the exact same way.
i mean, i like going out and having a good time, but i’m a one-man guy, and my desires for life are very “traditional.”
1. meet “him,” whoever “he” is.
2. fall in love with him.
3. marry him.
4. stay with him.
lots of gay guys are like that. lots aren’t.
i think that there are a lot more guys in my generation who ARE that way, though (i’m 28), and younger, because we’re one of the first generations to grow up in an environment where it wasn’t considered out of left field to want the same things as anybody else as a gay person.
It’s, of course, really easy to forget, when you play in gay bars frequently like I do, that there are LOTS of gay men like that, and I do believe that we are more common among the younger generations of gay men, as I said in the quote. (Not to knock playing in gay bars, because it’s fun sometimes, and not even necessarily to knock those who “aren’t like that.” Just be careful, with your body AND your heart.) I also mentioned in my replies that these are the kinds of messages the fiercely anti-gay Christian right SHOULD hear, yet if they did, they’d probably deny they’d ever heard them, because part of their narrative is that gays are whores, gays have sex in public, gays fellate each other on middle school playgrounds, etc. People wouldn’t believe their lies anymore if they knew the truth: that gay people are really just like straight people. Do some gay people have random sex with people they just met? Sure. Visit a fraternity party and show me how that’s different from the straight population. (Unless you have a keen eye and you’re able to discern which of the frat boys are actually secretly meeting up with other frat boys later…) But also, just like many straight people, many gay people want nothing more than to fall in love, get married, take it seriously, and stay with that person “’til death do us part.”
I absolutely fall into that category. Legalized marriage equality or not, I plan to be sending everyone invitations to a huge wedding someday (with an even bigger party afterwards…my wedding will be one of the “fun” ones, oh yes), where I and my beloved (whoever he may be), will exchange vows in front of God, family, and friends, and commit to one another for life.
So, after that little online exchange, I thought it was particularly apropos that I stumbled onto this article from this Sunday’s New York Times Magazine. It’s called “Young Gay Rites,” and it’s all about young married/engaged gay male couples (under 30, all), mostly from the Northeast. They talk honestly about the joys and struggles of their marriages, the myth among (some) straight people that gay people have “husband/wife” roles in our relationships (which has always sorta made me laugh – “no, honey, I’m gay, and that means I want a husband…no wives allowed!”), their feelings about monogamy…Surprise! Many of them are strong believers in lifelong monogamy (as I am), and some have different thoughts on that…but yet again, the only difference I see between gay and straight couples on that issue is that the great majority of straight people talk a good game on monogamy, but a great many of them proceed to screw around behind their partners’ backs. So, if you’re a straight person reading the article, I would stop short before going all self-righteous and moralistic about the fact that one of the couples in the article isn’t completely monogamous. Anyway. The article looks long, but it’s very light reading.
Oh, also, the article makes no mention of legalized gay marriage having caused the sky to fall in Massachusetts, so maybe somebody should tell the Christofascist groups who are STILL fighting against marriage equality in that state (MassResistance, I’m looking at you), that it’s time to, as I always say with Agape love, piss off, and start doing something to give back to the God who so blessed you with such determination! Fight poverty, fight illiteracy, plant trees…I’m sure you could find something you’re good at besides fighting against self-constructed self-hating myths about gays. Christofascist groups in other states would do well to heed the same call. Start small. Pick up trash on the freeway or something.
Anywho. That’s all I’ve got. Whether you’re gay, straight, bisexual, transgender, feel free to share your thoughts on this below. I realize that some of this is preaching to the choir, but I cross-posted it, and ‘ya never know who might happen upon it and learn a couple things.
Take care, everybody!