FDL Guide to John McCain Policies: “Everyone Dies”
(Photoshop by the fabulous watetertiger)
John McCain is, as everyone knows, a straight talking maverick. He does not waffle or flip flop, and is honest and never never lies. He says what he says and means what he means. No other politician in the history of politicians has ever been so awesomely mavericky and straight talky like John McCain, and that’s just super.
Some wiseacres, though, have been mean-spiritedly casting asparagus on this paragon of straight-talkitude and itegriticiousness. MSM swine claim that he used to be against the tax policies he’s right now pumping, or that he’s not quite as high minded about refusing to do favors for well-heeled donors as he likes to let on. Self-righteous internet twerps have accused him of pandering, slandering, and producing inexplicable videos. His brilliant economic policies have been made fun of on the totally unfair grounds that they obviously don’t make a damn bit of sense. Even his not at all ludicrous plan to keep troops in Iraq for 100 years has drawn complaints even from the otherwise level-headed Joe Klein! Most vicious, however, has been the carping and snarking about how he is "cynical" on this whole issue of the North Carolina GOP’s race-baiting anti-Obama ad: just because that charge happens to be true is no reason to start with the name calling.
No. What these caviling critics fail to realize is that John McCain has an exciting vision for America, one that transcends such petty concerns as an inability to understand or care about economics, or to have even a basic grasp of realities involved in waging his cherished war.
John McCain has a bold plan for our nation and for the world, one that involves everybody dying.
This plan explains all his confusing remarks and incoherent policies. Whatever would be wrong with keeping troops in Iraq for a hundred years, or a thousand, or ten thousand, if they and everyone else on the planet were dead? Let them stay there forever! What could be the objection to a ridiculous idea about getting rid of gas taxes for the summer, even if this proposal makes a total hash of his alleged commitment to ending global climate change? To hell with that! Ten minutes after his inauguration, we’re all gonna be corpses, people! Let that ocean boil, mothafucka! A looming recession? Cut them taxes for everybody! The dead don’t pay capital gains taxes, you know.
Anyhow that’s my theory and I think it works. It explains why he’s been hanging out with Lieberman so much, too. Why would you do that to yourself if you were not actively contemplating your imminent death, and that of the entire world and perhaps universe?
Anyway, I’m a liberal, but I’m just broadminded and bipartisan enough to consider the merits of the McCain "everyone dies" strategy. And you just know David Broder’s behind it! That should be good enough for you.