Late Night: Get on the Gus
It is official Firedoglake policy that we do not endorse candidates for the Democratic nomination. However, I am Very Concerned that we have reached a Crisis Point, for the Party, as well as The Nation.
Because of my deep concern I can deeply discern that you all must deeply learn some very hard lessons. To wit, none of the current Democratic contenders have any policy positions at all, except for the ones they lay out in detail on their Web sites, and as is well known, if it is on the Web it might as well be porn. Conversely, they also have far too many policy positions, and omigod who the hell cares about policy? BO-RING. The Democratic candidates are doomed to defeat because they are at once remarkably compelling and totally stultifying, relying too much on "ideas" while not having anything to offer except a likable persona. We therefore face the frightening Truth that if we fail to summon the courage to make a radical change, and soon, we will be compelled by Fate to labor on under the deadly handicaps of charisma and intelligence — perhaps even combined together. (Scary scream, pick one.) These are twin electoral pitfalls you may be sure the crafty GOP will take great pains to completely avoid this time around.
We are thus a-swirl in uncertainty: the center of the Party cannot hold. Surely some revelation is at hand — surely some new endorsement is at hand! And indeed it is, though please do not call him Shirley. For certain very compelling reasons, which I lay out below, in great detail and with great care, I hereby Officially Endorse Gus Hall for the 2008 Democratic Nomination for the President of the United States. Of, um, America.
Please, let us Get on the Gus.
1. In the past, we’ve done a good deal worse than nominate a dead Communist for high office. Not by much, but still. Take, for example, our vice-presidential candidate for the 2000 race. I am quite sure that if you ask any halfway rational Democratic voter, they will far prefer Gus Hall’s corpse to Joe Lieberman’s carcass.
2. It might be objected that a dead man cannot run for president. Pish-tush! YO! Pish to the motherfuckin’ tush! Fred Thompson’s run for the Republican nomination may have been ultimately unsuccessful, but it was nevertheless an inspiration for zombies, ghouls, werewolves, and the Undead Community generally. Fred has shown beyond doubt that just because you lack a pulse, that doesn’t mean you can’t have serious people puffing up your chances to win the nod (literally) of a major American political party. By "serious people" here I mostly mean the assholes over at Red State, but I believe the wider point holds. Fred Thompson, those from beyond the grave salute you.
3. Gus Hall is a dead communist. The presumptive GOP nominee is at this point John McCain. By all indications, John McCain, a remarkably spry antediluvian nonagenarian, is quite convinced that the United States of America needs a very strong policy against dead Communists. McCain has in fact obviously developed his entire foreign policy primarily with the threat of dead Communists in mind. It is either that, or Mr. McCain believes we need to nuke the Tree of the Keebler Elves and then invade and subsequently commence an unending occupation of Munchkinland. ERGO, only a dead Communist stands any chance during a debate with McCain once Wolf Blitzer starts solemnly inquiring why the Democratic Candidate has such a sissy appeasing policy towards the existential threat posed by Poppa Smurf, and so forth. Nobody else will even know what the hell he is talking about. Think about it. Think think about it.
4. One of the things Gus Hall did was successfully suppress dissent in the name of a foolish cause in order to ensure maximal ideological purity in exchange for enduring political irrelevance. Whoops, forget I mentioned that. I mean, no connection there in regards to any current attitudes in the liberal blogosphere whatsoever! Forget I mentioned it.
5. Gus Hall, being dead, would not approve of the annoying overuse of U2 songs in electoral settings. He would probably go with Bad Brains instead. Or at least, I would. Yet another reason I’m not as smart as Mark Penn, I suppose.