2007 is almost behind us. Which is appropriate, since "behind us" is where things that really stink belong.
If you’re like me, and I know I am, much of your ’07 aggravation had to do with the dreaded Itchy Toe Syndrome. See, round about April last, I developed an incessant, annoying itch in my right big toe. Scratching did nothing, and neither did the slathering of various ointments promising Soothing Relief. I gradually realized that the only way to satisfy that itch was to swiftly and forcefully apply that toe to the collective backside of the Democratic Congressional Leadership, who seemed perversely obsessed with whiffing their mandate to end highly irritating presidential misbehavior like war, torture, and Constitution-pissing-upon. Perhaps in ’08 your toe will join mine in connecting with certain quivering Democratic posteriors to propel them properly forward.
In the meantime, conservative morons said a lot of stupid shit in 2007, so let’s laugh at it. So, please to enjoy this retrospective of Great Moments in 2007 Wingnuttery, a quick tour through right-wing inanity. I don’t pretend this list is exhaustive — there’s simply too much Dumb — but nevertheless, it just might make you nauseous.
JANUARY. It seems like a year ago, but it was really only twelve months, that a very large pee-filled wingnut balloon went POP. Michelle Malkin and the Malkinionettes had spent ages calling the AP a bunch of swinish MSM liars that one of their sources, an Iraqi police official named Jamil Hussein, didn’t exist. Scandal! Except, of course, that he did. Wheee! The punchline, though, to this moronic affair was provided by Malkin herself:
Just to clarify, I’m not apologizing for anything.
That’s the self-inflicting right blogosphere for you, in a very nutty shell. On this note, it was also in January ’06 that we learned from the very well-informed Pajamas Media expert Michael Ledeen the astonishing fact that "Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Iran’s Supreme Leader, is dead." He wasn’t, of course, but it was still quite the scoop.
MARCH. Jonah Goldberg declares of his forthcoming book, Liberal Fascism: Gee, The Lint in My Bellybutton Doesn’t Taste Half Bad, that
It is a very serious, thoughtful, argument that has never been made in such detail or with such care.
As a result of this declaration, he was immediately taken seriously by everyone and nobody made fun of him ever again.
March was also the month that the very serious Joe Klein saw fit to define for our edification the characteristics of Left-Wing Blog Extremists. There he quite properly identified the source of most of the trouble as Atrios. Maybe.
Atrios may or may not be an ideological extremist–I was wrong to say he was, since I don’t know enough about him–but he sure is a purveyor of extreme and terminally smug rhetoric.
Praise God that Joe Klein exists to protect us all from purveyors of terminally smug rhetoric.
MAY. May brought us one of the greatest first paragraphs to a news story of all time:
LAKE GENEVA, Wis. — Tommy Thompson cited a dead hearing aid and an urgent need to use the bathroom in explaining on Saturday why he said at a GOP presidential debate that an employer should be allowed to fire a gay worker.
Thompson then went on to win the GOP nomination and the presidency.
JULY. It just doesn’t get any worse than this. WARNING: CLICKING LINK MAY CAUSE BLINDNESS AND DEATH.
OCTOBER. This is one of mine, but what the hey — Hamas caught training Wellesley students in terrorist bathroom-going techniques. Later, Al Qaeda is discovered teaching Columbia students how to make fart noises. Also, noted asshole Mark Steyn informs us that a Seventh Grader is "Fair Game." Ah, memories.
NOVEMBER. Jonah Goldberg makes approving noises about Mussolini, but does so in great detail and with great care. So nobody makes fun of him for it.
DECEMBER. Horrible decrepit GOP presidential candidate Fred Thompson pretends he is a horsey.
MANCHESTER, Iowa – Republican Fred Thompson says if he can be a presidential horse for conservatives to ride in the campaign, "All I’ve got to say is saddle me up."
Yecch. Anyway, I’m sure I missed a lot, but this is already too long. Add your own in comments, if you wish.