Monday Late Nite: Wedged in the Chimney
HAMPTON, N.H. — Rudolph W. Giuliani has entered a turbulent period in his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination, marked by what his aides acknowledge are missteps, sharp shifts in strategy and evidence that reports about his personal life have hurt his national standing.
‘Twas a night in the ’90s, when all through his house
not a person was stirring, except Rudy, the louse.
His wife was asleep in the bedroom upstairs,
as he sneaked in his mistress to "tend" to his wares.
Both of his children were also at home,
but that mattered not to Monsieur Over du Comb.
With an ego the size of all of Manhattan,
he had his heart set on doin’ some cattin’.
Jump ahead to Rudy’s run for the Senate,
armed with the false morality of Bill Bennett.
He broke up his marriage on live television,
and heaped on himself all of New York’s derision.
But once again Rudy did miscalculate —
by basing his tenure on division and hate,
and dismissing cop shootings as pocket-sized matters,
he left his campaign sagging badly, in tatters.
So instead of addressing these problems head on,
Rudy stormed off the stage like a true primo don.
Against Clinton’s lead his campaign could not rally,
So he claimed his illness as his grand finale.
But along came that day in 2000 and 1
when Rudy comported himself with grace, did not run.
The media named him Most Valuable Player
bestowed on him the crown of "America’s Mayor."
Now thanks to Al Qaeda, he was back on the scene,
with book deals and contracts he was rolling in green.
His tiara-ed new bride Judith glued to his arm,
he profited tidily through fear and alarm.
Wringing out all that he could from 9/11,
the man shot his wad in 2007.
Rudy rode high through the first half of the year,
barnstorming around the states with forced cheer.
Romney could only wish to be so dominant;
Thompson, McCain, the others? Somnambulant.
Then onto the scene burst preacher Mike Huckabee,
denying evolution and the Iran NIE.
With no substance to speak of except for his "charm,"
Huckabee wooed the media with humor and smarm.
Rudy saw the writing on the voting booth wall,
when his one-note campaign numbers started to fall.
He gathered up his flunkies to re-strategize,
but all the news reported were his myriad lies.
New Yorkers were rightly outraged, shocked and agog
when they learned cops had been paid to walk Judi’s dog.
Our taxes had paid for his girlfriend’s weekend jaunts
when cops chauffeured her ’round to her old family haunts.
Desperate to recapture some campaign momentum,
Rudy struck out at all of this "old" news as just dumb.
Sitting with Tim Russert he brushed aside the facts;
too blind to see the truth: his campaign had climaxed.
Up went the numbers of McCain and Huckabee,
Rudy was now trailing that damned Mormon, Mitt Romney.
And not just in Iowa, all covered in snow,
but also in Florida, where Republicans grow.
"I can still win this thing," he snidely told the press.
Even in a pair of heels, a bad wig and a dress?
And then, with "flu-like symptoms" did Rudy repair
to his New York apartment, away from the glare.
Giuliani is like a tape loop on repeat,
He is unable to withstand the kitchen heat.
We eagerly anticipate his attempt at saving face:
"Because of my health issues I’m withdrawing from this race."
[photo credit: Stephen Chernin/Getty Images]