Late Nite: Begun, This War On Christmas Has.
As you are no doubt aware, we liberal secularists have been fighting a long and lonely war against the forces of Santafascism for several years now, but it looks like we finally have some powerful (and unexpected) backup:
An Imperial Stormtrooper commando broke into Santa’s Factory on the North Pole yesterday evening, killing an undetermined number of elves, arresting the owner and confiscating his sled. Joe Kwazansky, local spokesman for the Evil Galactic Empire in Los Angeles, appeared in a press conference this morning confirming the rumors of an Imperial takeover of Christmas’ celebrations…. Apparently, the arrest has occurred in connection with earlier reports on the manufacturing and stealth placement of Weapons of Mass Destruction:
Answering questions about the causes of this assault and Santa Claus’ detention, Mr. Kwazansky pointed out that Imperial Intelligence had undeniable proof of Santa’s production of WMDs at his factory located near the North Pole. "He is also a perv, you know," he added, "a guy who goes around his house clad in red velvet and has underaged boys assisting him all day long. Illegal sex? Forced labor? You gotta be kidding. We have the patent on forced labor too. Ask the wookies."
Commenting on the strike, UN’s North Pole representative Kalle Jugercømmandersson said that "we don’t understand this act of unprovoked agression. The North Pole has been weapons-free since 1959, when Timmy the Polar Bear was killed by a drunk seal using a 38." Then, he started sobbing, crying "and we are not little boys! We are little grown men!" out loud.
Lord Darth Vader was unavailable to comment at the time of this report.
Do click over to see the photo – that’s what I call firepower! Yes, our Dread Lord is very generous, but how many actual stormtroopers can he muster up for the Global War On Christmas™? No more than three, maybe four, tops. Not nearly enough to stop a raging mob of Santa worshippers hopped up on candycaine.
I have to say, I am a bit surprised that the Emperor and Darth Vader would choose to ally themselves with us, given our differing views on governance and foreign policy, but hey, you know what they say about not looking a gift bantha in the mouth. And it’s not like Vader and Palpatine are the only right-wing authoritarians to join us:
BUSH:…I’ve decided to come in and visit with you because you’re heading off for the holidays and so are we. And we wish you a happy holidays.
Listen, thank you all. Have a wonderful holiday season. Appreciate it.
Welcome to the struggle, my brothers. With your might joined to our passion, victory is all but inevitable.
(h/t dakine & Blue Texan for the Bush & Romney links)