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Dick Cheney: Criswell has nothin’ on me

Richard Bruce Cheney, the only man memorialized with an "inaction" figure is back to make the latest in a long-string of deadly predictions.

Cheney said that by the middle of January 2009, it will be clear that “we have in fact achieved our objective in terms of having a self-governing Iraq that’s capable for the most part of defending themselves, a democracy in the heart of the Middle East, a nation that will be a positive force in influencing the world around it in the future.”

All of that by 2009? “Yes, sir,” he replied.

Add this to "welcomed as liberators"; Saddam building a bomb; "last throes"; and all the other past failed predictions Cheney later denied he ever said — ignoring the power of "videotape".

In Cheney’s defense, years ago he did accurately predict the JFK assassination.

Of course, as his recent biography (written with the ever reliable Stephen Hayes and summarized by some other hack*) revealed he had some inside information:

Chapter 5: The College Years

1960: Dick attends Yale, having won a scholarship for his High School Senior thesis in late 1958 "Castro’s 26th of July Movement, an insurgency in its Last Throes". However, Dick has to leave school early after participating in the ‘Kill a Commie for Nixon’ program. Neverthless, it is determined by a council of Skull & Bones that Cheney will not be prosecuted because, after all, his victim was a liberal and from a mere middle class family. Dick drinks from Geronimo’s skull and departs for Wyoming in 1962.

Dick takes time off from school, working for an electrical company as a lineman. However, in reality, Dick is listening in on phone conversations involving the Kennedy Administration. Later that Year, Dick visits Hollywood and gets a job as Marilyn Monroe’s housekeeper going by the name "Eunice".

Dick and his High School Sweetheart Lynne begin sending each other letters and gifts. Lynne sends Dick the heart of a local farmhand, Dick sends Lynne the pelvic bone of a vagrant whose flesh he had boiled away. Their co-dependency grows stronger. On Valentine’s Day 1963 Dick sends Lynne a letter that reveals the poet in Dick Cheney’s soul:

Miss Vincent,

My regards to you on this February 14, 1963. Without you, my will to power would have stopped when I assumed hall monitor duties in junior high after Tim Wilson’s ‘little accident’. You have given me the drive to attain the highest levels of executive authority as well as introduced me to the consumption of human flesh. I look forward to maintaining a respectful distance from you for years to come.


Richard B. Cheney

Dick returns to college this time at the University of Wyoming, to be closer to Lynne and available for late night sessions of passionless dry humping and random euthanizing of the pets of Wyoming Democrats. In the Fall of 1963, Dick who is double majoring in Unethical Behavior and Embezzlement, proposes to Lynne, saying the only thing he wants to do more than get in her pants is get the United States into a War it cannot win. Lynne chuckles, accepts and tells Dick he’ll have at least two opportunities to do each. But first, she asks for a blood sacrifice to prove his devotion. Dick is puzzled as to what to do, but then just before Thanksgiving, he hops a train to Dallas.

*May be a slight alteration of actual biography, yet more credible than real thing.

(picture from TSwartz)

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Oops, sorry, that's the biography of Verne Gagne with a touch of Mustafa Kemal.

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