Free Parkin’ Jesus

His Chimperial Heinous sleeps the sleep of the unjust.

(*snoring and speaking in sleep*)
BUSH: No , no, bad touch…*snorts* does tickle though…he he he.


The groggy President sits up in his bed startled

BUSH: Cindy Sheehan? She found me!

A shimmering white, but still blurry vision materializes at the foot of the bed.

BUSH: Oh man, too much Wild Turkey, better start drinking Jenny-O Whiskey instead.

The vision solidifies, revealing a man dressed in glowing white robes with long-hair and a beard appears bearing a benevolent smile.

BUSH: Oh, no, Mormons — what are you, one of Romney’s people? And here I am without my special underoos on.

…oh wait. Oh my, it’s that guy from that Mel Gibson movie, um, what was that called? Um…jeez, this is tough. He was Jewish and stuff.

VISITOR: It is I, who you call Jesus.

BUSH: Thanks, but that wasn’t it.

VISITOR: George W. Bush, it is I, Jesus of Nazareth.

BUSH: Oh yeah. Hey, how ya’ doin’? How’d you get in here?

VISITOR: Well, it’s on the way to Damascus. (Makes Josh Bolton appear to do a rim shot)

BUSH: I don’t get it. Anyway, I’m like busy and stuff Lord, I’ve got important things to do spreading freedom and marching progress. You know, holy stuff. I’m doin’ your work because you were too lazy to, in the words of the prophet Larry the Cable Guy, ‘git r done’ . Why tomorrow I’m helicopterin’ into Annapolis to bring the Israelis and the less terry terr’ists together.

VISITOR: I am here to teach you, how to resolve your problems, how to end the scourge of war.

BUSH: What?

VISITOR: It is time for you to learn the way to truth.

BUSH: But, ah already know the way to truth, and truth is whatever ah believe, ’cause I’m a truth-speakin’ guy, ’cause I’m plain spoken and plain spoken people never lie. Why ah ‘am even bringin’ my special portable Presidential Rug with me. I’ve pretty much spent the last year concentratin’ on it — the rug I mean. It’s like ah’m Trent Lott. It’s really plush, you should see the padding underneath it, like Trent Lott. I got the whole story to tell about it, should kill a couple hours too. Then when they are so in awe of me and mah carpet I’ll get the heck outta there and they’ll have no choice but to make peace because it and me are so frickin’ awesome. We’re even havin’ it catered by The Olive Garden. So you can see, ah have a plan that cannot fail.

Say, do, you know that we both share the same father?

VISITOR: Um, yeah, about that.

BUSH: Hey, you know ah’m right. There’s the trinity for example. There’s dad, there’s you, and then the Holy Me.

VISITOR: Well, I’m afraid you are misunderstanding a couple things.

BUSH: Are you calling my mommy a liar, Jew boy?

VISITOR: Look, you must learn that you cannot use others to carry out your will, nor force your will upon others. People must gather and solve their own problems, not beaten into capitulation, or issuing meaningless platitudes or making meaningless gestures. Remember blessed are the peacemakers? It takes, as you like to say, hard work.

BUSH: You’re wrong! (gets out of bed) That’s so gay! C’mon you dirty hippie let’s wrestle.


BUSH: Take that (Bush punches the visitor below the belt) RIGHT IN THE SACRAMENTS!

Blandly written joint communique to follow.

(photo from Petroleumjelliffe)



In 1949, I decided to wrestle professionally, starting my career in Texas. In my debut, I defeated Abe Kashey, with former World Heavyweight boxing Champion Jack Dempsey as the referee. In 1950, I captured the NWA Junior Heavyweight title. In 1953, I won the Chicago version of the NWA United States Championship. I became one of the most well-known stars in wrestling during the golden age of television, thanks to my exposure on the Dumont Network, where I wowed audiences with my technical prowess. I was rumored to be one of the highest paid wrestlers during the 1950s, reportedly earning a hundred thousand dollars a year. My specialty was "the Sleeper Hold" and the founding of modern, secular, Turkey.

Oops, sorry, that's the biography of Verne Gagne with a touch of Mustafa Kemal.

I'm just an average moron who in reality is a practicing civil rights and employment attorney in fly-over country .