Rahm If You Want To
At a private breakfast fundraiser in Manhattan this morning, Rep. Rahm Emanuel told supporters he believes former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, who has been gaining ground in Iowa polls, would be a smart vice presidential choice for either Mitt Romney or Rudy Giuliani, according to one attendee.
The selection of the man Chuck Norris calls an “authentic conservative” in Huckabee’s first campaign ad would make sense for either of the two former blue state executives, who has been trying desperately to convince the left that they’ve recognized the error of their old liberal ways.
Or maybe this is one of those reverse psychology moments in which Emanuel is trying to tie an ideologue to the GOP ticket because he thinks it would utlimately help the Democrats in the general election.
Rahm’s reasoning appears sound, but I think he’s being entirely too modest. In fact, the perfect running mate for the GOP nominee is… himself. He’s pro-corporate, tough on immigration, flexible on choice, ambivalent on oversight, okay with the war, and perhaps most importantly of all, he hates us Dirty Fucking Hippies just as much as any Republican, and probably more.
Consider: Who better than Rahm to deliver the all-important Imaginary Moderate vote? You know, all those salt-of-the-earth ordinary Americans who believe that George W. Bush should decide when we get out of Iraq, and that the government is way too tough on big business. These reasonable pragmatists understand that war is not something to be exited lightly, that huge corporate profits benefit everyone, er… somehow, and that regulating pollutants and toy safety and food additives just inhibits the course of human evolution. If we simply let natural selection do its thing, then eventually we’ll be immune to everything, just like cockroaches and Karl Rove, and who wouldn’t want that?
Admittedly, if Romney is the nominee, it could get a little awkward. "Romney-Emanuel" is confusing and "Romney-Rahm" is even worse, but I’m sure they’ll work something out. Unity ’08, bitches!
(If anyone needs me, I’ll be over here, trying to decide which party’s leadership best reflects my values. I’ve narrowed it down to the Neo Rhino Party, the Church of the Militant Elvis Party, and the Official Monster Raving Loony Party.)