Are you sick of your parents nagging you about grandkids? Tired of looking like a complete slob? Do you spend your nights crying because no woman (who's out of your league in the first place) will give you the time of day? Are you a careless neanderthal who needs a good swift kick in the ass (among other things in that area)?
Then look no further – sign up for “ex-straight” re-orientation therapy today!
In “ex-straight” therapy, you'll be forced to listen to ONLY gay icons, such as Bette Midler, Diana Ross, Cher, Grace Jones, Madonna, and Judy Garland. You'll also be forced to memorize showtunes, and must perform at least 5 of them, with silly choreography, upon completion of “ex-straight therapy”.
Say goodbye to Hungry Man TV dinners and Spaghetti O's, and say hello to fine cooking. Before you're finished with “ex-straight” therapy, you'll not only have several crowd-pleasing recipes drilled into your head, but you'll also be taught dining etiquette and the proper way to host a party. You'll be saying “Black Forest Cake, anyone?” before you know it.
No more washing your clothes and throwing them back into the hamper until you're ready to use them. With “ex-straight” therapy, you'll be taught how to wash your clothes and store them away properly. However, “ex-straight” guinea pigs will be lashed once per wire hanger found in his closet…..with a wire hanger, of course. Before you sign up for “ex-straight” therapy, we advise you to dispose of them all beforehand, or face the dire consequences.
Also in “ex-straight” therapy, you'll discover that having a huge dick doesn't necessarily mean you're good in bed. There will be no women there to fake orgasm; you'll either be told that you're fabulous, or you fucking suck and you need to get the hell out. Nothing says loving like good ol' queer honesty in the bedroom.
Other “ex-straight” activities includes training of the correct way to hit on men at the club without looking like a drooling animal, advanced tracklighting installation, pet care (including exotic fish and birds), skin flute lessons, pretty landscaping and gardening, and the proper way to hoist your rainbow flag on the front porch.
Ditch the bitch and make the switch – sign up for “ex-straight” re-orientation therapy today!