This is the first time I have made a dairy here. I'm hoping I am doing things right, but I just can't stand what is going on. I have been reading all over the blogsphere for years. This name was started at Americablog where recently I got banned for stating my views.

I have been out of work for a while. I do not know if it is because I'm a politically active Transgender online, but I will not hide who I am. Right now I've been called many dirty words on places that I thought were progressive.

In Middle school and High school I was tormented and I still remember the pain of being picked on for being different. I didn't understand a lot of who I was. I also was scared of doing certain things because deep in my head I felt I wasn't suppose to have those thoughts.

I never had a chance to explore myself because I was the oldest in my family. By the time my sister was born I was already well into age. My family isn't close so I also never got into anything then. I do remember certain memories from childhood of not being athletic, not being able to do things, and being very senative on stuff.

more below of my life story

I'm not saying all that is proof that the Transgender part has always been there with me, but I do think there are a few signs. I remember as I got older being jealous a little bit of my sister. I didn't hate her, but it was the things I saw her doing and part of me wished deep down things had been similar.

It took the internet for me to find myself. You see at the time I came online I was in my mid-teens. My parents were fighting and I had the stuff going on with school that didn't help. It was a bad time with me. I tried to run away a few times, never making it past the end of the street, and even held the knife at my heart, but never had the strength to push it through.

This is where my suffering stopped because, like I said, I started to get active on the internet. I found I could have a voice and found self help in listening to people. The more I listened the less I felt my own problems were that major. Everyone had a story no matter how small it was and everyone had their own pains and joys. I think just listening and understanding is what saved my life plus lead to me to understand myself.

The more I explored the more I started to find subjects on feelings about myself. At first I still didn't understand, but I started reading one after another websites talking about things, people talking about their experiences, and just about anything on the subject. There is also another part that started to grow inside.

I started to have very strange dreams. I kept seeing a person inside me that kept questioning me . This part was almost spiritual because still to this day I believe my soul was there, my mind was starting to understand, and my body well that's another story in itself. The dreams stopped though the moment I stopped denying who I was. This is why I think even our own mind can allow us hints in strange places.

I was in college when I meet a group of friends who really helped me. One of my friends who was TS went even further. At the time I had  not told my parents anything about me. I was very scared of them disowning me. My friend allowed me to explore myself in a safe environment. My friend never forced anything, even when it came to my first shopping trip to try on new clothes.

I still remember at the time being worried that it was just a sexual thing, because I had known myself for 4 years, but I never had been myself in real life. Everything about me had been online this was the first step toward truly living life. The clothes weren't sexual, but felt right. The more I lived in this world as myself the more I started to understand the clothes were just a object. Who I was is me, and my heart is there no matter what I am wearing.

I told my parents later on about me. My dad actually did accept me. My mom had a tough reaction. She started to say well why can't you just get normal friends. She didn't understand by saying my friends weren't normal she was saying I wasn't normal. I have introduced them to a few different TS over time and they have accepted them.

Not to long ago I had the privilege of watching a friend of mine go through the surgery. They didn't have the money, but another friend of ours, who inherieted some money, helped out . This friend had lost her job before. She was picked on by many for not being complete. The job wasn't that great of a job, but people picked on her looks more than anything else.

I do not think that the surgery is right for me at this moment because I am still moving forward. I want to understand everything about myself before  I make a final decision. I also have my orgrinal TS friend who is in a worse place then I am. Til she finds happiness it is hard to think of myself. My TS friends matter because they are my true family. Without that first special friend I might not have found a way to be. She helped me a great deal and that is why in my heart I do not give up on things.

This is who I am and this what I am. Can you honestly tell me and others who live in this world our lives do not matter? I think it is important because this fight isn't just about me, but I'd love to hear everyone elses story who is TG. Do not feel pressured to be open, but if you want to tell yours please know You have a shoulder here. Maybe through our life stories we can find healing and a power to move forward to a better tomorrow.