Harry Potter and the Blinding Flash of the Obvious
(The following document was deposited, along with a goodly amount of bird doo-doo, on my windowpane by a large snowy owl who flew away before I could get her name. The internal evidence indicates that it is an alternate draft of a key chapter in J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows… or not. I report, you decide. — PW)
“I regret it,” Voldemort had said, coldly, as turned his back on the man he had attacked and left to die. The Dark Lord swiftly left the Shrieking Shack, as his mind was on finding and defeating Harry Potter once and for all. His victim lay on the floor, his life’s blood draining out of him.
Then two familiar faces — a boy’s and a girl’s — appeared in his fading vision…
The boy, of course, was Harry Potter. Snape knew he didn’t have much time before he died, and so he summoned up the last of his strength to give the boy the information he needed to complete the battle —
“Relax, sir,” said the girl, who of course was Hermione Granger. She was applying Muggle bandages to his neck wounds and using a silent Replicatio to increase what blood was still in his veins. “Everything will be all right.”
“But — but the book says I’m supposed to die here –“
“The book is rubbish,” replied the Granger girl. “It’s been making us behave in silly ways that violate the internal logic of the series, not to mention our own characters.”
“Now that you mention it,” replied Snape, who was feeling stronger with each passing moment, “there have been times when I’ve felt as if I’ve been under a Confundus Charm…”
“That’s exactly it,” nodded Harry. “We’ve all been put under some kind of Confundus. Luna figured it out and managed to get it removed.”
“Really. For instance: Hermione saved me from Nagini earlier in the book, yet in this scene here in the Shrieking Shack we’re just supposed to sit and stare like idiots as you bleed to death — which the book has you do in about two minutes flat, as opposed to Arthur Weasley who in Order of the Phoenix managed to live for half an hour — long enough to be found and rescued — after three bites from that damned snake!”
“Or how the book has me doing a really tricky Memory Charm variant on my own parents one moment and then saying a few dozen pages later that I don’t know the theory behind Memory Charms,” added an indignant Hermione.
“Or how my father, who Dumbledore earlier had said felt badly about nearly killing you with Lupin in the tunnel, was still enough of a berk to be persecuting you after he nearly killed you,” continued an equally-indignant Harry.
“Or how I could be a one-dimensional quasi-stalker of your mother, and a man who the books claim never cared about anyone other than Lily and myself, even as the books themselves show copious evidence to the contrary,” Snape replied, his own indignation rising.
“Or how the ‘good guy’ Dumbledore,” said Hermione, “could order you to kill him, knowing that then Voldemort would try to kill you for the Elder Wand! Disgusting, that Dumbledore would throw you away so easily.”
“It shouldn’t be surprising,” muttered Snape as he avoided looking into their eyes. “He’s planning on doing the same to Potter here.”
“Yes, we know,” said Harry and Hermione in the exact same tone of disgusted resignation.
“Don’t worry,” answered Harry, “there’s an escape clause. I turn out all right.”
“Good.” Snape let himself relax as Hermione tended his wounds. “I wanted to hex him for that, Potter. He’s almost as bad as that Senator Reid tosser in the States.”
“Oh, you mean ‘Bush’s New Poodle’?” Harry replied. “The bloke who actually manages to make Tony Blair look firm and principled? The man who personally helped shove the Debt Slavery (Aka ‘Bankruptcy’) Bill down Americans’ throats? The berk who makes me want to change my first name to something else?”
“Yes, that Reid,” Snape replied. He realized that he was indeed recovering from the Nagini-bite, if he had the strength to be as angry as he was. “The one working with Bush and the Republicans to pave the earth.”
“The one who will spare no effort to attack the most noble, dedicated and honorable members of his own party, the ones working hardest on behalf of their country and the world, and then acquiesce to whatever vile thing Bush and the GOP want of him,” added Hermione.
“Makes me wonder if he’s a Death Eater in disguise, or under Imperio, or just plain stupid,” rejoined Harry.
Snape snorted. “He could very possibly be all three. It’s quite obvious once you look at it. Blindingly so.”