No matter how much money William F. Buckley has, the money-losing National Review is quite a drain on his wallet and now that he has maxed out his Discover card he has instructed Kathryn Jean Lopez to come up with some kind of a fundraiser to keep NRO afloat. At first they were going to sell candy door to door, but someone left the candy sitting on the table in the breakroom and Jonah wandered in and…well, you can guess the rest. Victor Davis Hanson suggested setting up a Wrestle The Oiled-Up Gladiator For A Dollar booth, but only Cliff May voted for it by leaping up and shouting “I am Spartacus!”. Unsurprisingly this idea died a gladiators death in the awkward silence that followed. Then someone suggested a Walk For NRO where they would get people to sponsor each of them for, like, 15 cents a mile, but it looked like it might rain and nobody wanted to get all sweaty…or to have to, you know, walk so that also died a gladiators death. This time with lions and one of those three-pointed pokey thingies…
Actual footage of the NRO fundraising brainstorming session:
Then it hit them:
This year, youâ€™ll notice, we have Hillary Clintonâ€™s picture on the homepage. The message is: â€œHelp us stop her.â€ No one here is pining for the Clinton dramaâ€™s return to the White House. And neither, I suspect, are you.
In the coming months, National Review Online seeks to bring you comprehensive coverage and analysis of the primaries, the conventions, and the election (please God) of a conservative president. Salaries, travel, light, cameras, and action bear down on our frugal budget. Writers continue to be paid much less than they deserve â€” or that others offer â€” and they do it because they know appearing on National Review Online is worth the financial sacrifice â€” they know theyâ€™ll be read on National Review Online, and they know that they will have impact.
So, you see, National Review Online is like a charity and all of the NRO writers are like Candystripers except nobody wants to have sex with them in an empty hospital room or in the MRI machine like on Grey’s Anatomy… so you should contribute.
Besides, if Hillary Clinton becomes president she’ll sign an Executive Order forcing K-Lo to marry a lesbian, get impregnated by Bill, and then they’ll abort the baby on a podcast which Ann Althouse will drunkblog.
And nobody wants that…