The Sad Story of A Nice Gay Girl and A Good Straight Man

OK I am getting my thoughts in order on all of what has been happening this week.

In our real world as lesbians and gays know all too well people who hate us for being what we are.

In my blog world up till this now there has been none of that, my core readers who are mostly California and British Surfers, with a handful of very loyal local readers thrown in for good measure, always knew I was gay and accepted it, but I wanted to be a little more open about things and maybe reach a little larger lesbian readership who I could annoy with my silly drivel.

This is why I contacted my friend Renee Gannon, who is the wonderful author of her own blog Lesbatopia and a major contributor to AOL’s Gaysighted for some advice on how she thought I should proceed doing this without totally freaking everyone who reads The Queen of the Surf Pirates out and she gave me some very good advice too.

At the same time I was reaching out for a larger lesbian audience another friend linked me to a Virginia based forum about the Outer Banks by posting a link to Sammy's Surf Report and first reaction from the readers of The Outer Banks Connection seemed to me very positive and hey I’m a blogger so expanding my local readership sounded good to me, so I started posting Sammy reports there with link back to this page.

Well there turned out to be a very homophobic core element at that forum and after they read Sammy's report they went a little further to see this blog going through its coming out and did not like that one little bit. I started get some shots from them, you know the snide little harassment, cracks and jabs, that a lesbian tends to get from less enlightened people. They are always veiled, but aimed to hurt, it happens all of the time and while you get used to it, you never really like it much.

I pointed out what was going on to the owner of this site and asked for something to be done. His first reaction was to say that certainly I was wrong, all of the people on his site were good. That was until he was presented with evidence homophobia indeed was happening on his site. The site owner then tried to minimize the incident and told me while he had no ill feeling towards gays personally he was willing to go only as far as it was comfortable for him in expressing that. The owner made it abundantly clear that his site is all about the money really and is a business; he just didn’t want any waves. His site is trying to promote the Outer Banks not gay rights.

I do think he is a good guy at heart, but he is not trying to change the world. He is like many of our politicians today; He is just trying to get as many people to read his site as he can. It was also very clear to me that he was getting pressure from the homophobes to make the gay girl ‘keep it under wraps’ and were threatening to pull their support from him if he didn’t. But the owner of that site did not seem to understand is in catering to this homophobic core he is actually endorsing them and their hate, not very unlike many politicians in this country do with the religious right when it come to gays… Just look at Dick Cheney.

Needless to say, I was not happy with his response to my concerns and I have a blog, so I expressed that unhappiness here. Then Renee picked up that article as a subject for a Queersighted article. After the Articles were posted I asked the owner of this site to make a statement on how he felt about gay issues here on the Queen of the Surf Pirates. But the owner of the site stated I was “making too big of a deal out of the whole thing” and took all of this to be a personal attack on him and his site and like so many of todays politicians stood by his core of tried and true homophobic supporters. His choice was to threaten to sue me, have my blog pulled for copy write infringement because it was displaying his logo as a link to his site and squelch any possible mention of the incident by banning the gay girl.

This whole story this week has been truly the story all lesbians and gays can relate to when we try to change the world and the world wont change. I realize the owner of that site can never truly know how the behavior of the few haters that are in his forum made me feel and in the end I came off looking like a pushy dyke trying to trash his business. He didn’t get how much it hurts to be treated this way because you’re gay…

But now I think maybe he may just understand just how lesbian and gays feel just a bit now because after three days of me not letting any of this drop he finally sent me this E-mail…

“I only wish you would put yourself in my shoes and see this whole situation from my perspective. Why you have chosen me as a target, I don’t know. If your goal was to make me feel helpless and persecuted, you have succeeded. Is that what you’re after? What did I ever do to you?”

I wonder how many times this has been said by a gay person? It was said by me to him when all of this started.

I responded I wanted him to do the right thing and was told he had removed the offending party from the site finally but I still don't think he understands why all of this bothered me so much.

But now he has walked a mile in a pair of gay shoes, for every lesbian and gay can remember a time when we expressed in probably those very words he used that same feeling of total frustration of having someone you don't know and in your opinion, have never done offense to, harass you for some reason you can't fully understand, just like what happen to me in his site.

Now when I set out to bring this blog out of the closet it was never my intention to become militant a gay crusader, I just wanted to be able to feel freer about what I wrote here. My purpose at his site was not to make it safe for gays, it was to post something as purely innocent as Sammy's Surf Report, because I thought his readers liked it and all I wanted was to be left alone while I was there. Likewise I'm pretty sure he only wanted to protect his site from controversy. The relationship between the site owner and myself is probably forever poisoned now, not because I didn't like him or he gays originally, but because of a handful of haters who used his site that could not even for the short time they visited keep their homophobic views to themselves.

I don't think the owner of this site is an evil man, just a straight guy who really didn't get it that this kind of thing should be taken seriously and dealt with promptly, because he is not gay and probably can't understand. But his final words to me were exactly was what I'd been saying to him all along.

In the beginning we offered each other something of benefit, he had local readers I wanted to connect with and I (as he can now see) had gay and surfer readers that would have certainly gone to his site to find information if they were considering a vacation in the Outer Banks. Now that will never be, so in the end it was the haters who won in all of this. Because of them a Nice Gay Girl and a Good Straight Man now feel animosity towards one another where none existed before. I'm sure those haters revel in the fact that today the gulf between gay and straight is just a bit wider. That truly saddens me.

It is my hope in telling this story others can learn from it and somehow, one day, narrow that gulf again.

Also I guess its needless to say that I think the Outer Banks Connection rates very poorly when it comes to gay customer service.

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