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Face the Snark – We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Constitution edition


For the week ending 6/23/07:

A Proclamation by the Vice-President of the United States of America

The Office of the Vice President represents the independent, capitalistic and entrepreneurial spirit of America and has done so publicly since 2001. Wherever oil companies and military industrial complexes are repressed, wherever the morality of disproportionate corporate profits is called into question, the Office of the Vice President is there to remind us of that skyrocketing capital gains for the few at the sake of the huddled masses, yearning for decent jobs and nationalized health care, is the American way.

Two hundred and eighteen years ago, the United States Constitution established the Office of the Vice President. It was implicit in the Constitution that future generations of Americans foresee the need for a fourth branch of government to protect the people from the dangers posed by a tripartite system run amok and to protect the upper class from the great unwashed.

The Office of the Vice President is an institution separate and apart from the Executive, Legislative and Judicial Branches. As such, it is not subject to the minor and petty demands of the American people, their representatives in Washington, D.C., or any level of the United States judicial system. The Office of the Vice President has the right to claim Executive Privilege despite being separate and apart from said Branch.

While the Chief Executive is tasked under the Constitution with the responsibilities as Commander-in-Chief, the Departments of State and Defense fall under the control and purview of the Office of the Vice President. The Office is within its implied rights to determine and drive foreign policy (including, but not limited to, initiating preemptive strikes on sovereign nations and revealing classified information for personal gain), to establish and maintain domestic energy policy, and to ensure an ever-upward spiral for corporate profits.

To celebrate this great Office all day and every day, the Vice President recommends that the American people tell all who question their individual authority: Go fuck yourselves.

THEREFORE, I, RICHARD BRUCE CHENEY, do hereby proclaim that the Office of the Vice President has been and will continue to be immune from prosecution and/or impeachment or other querulous, ad hominem attacks and investigations by the Legislative Branch.

THEREFORE, I, RICHARD BRUCE CHENEY, do hereby proclaim that the Office of the Vice President has been and will continue to direct the Office of the President and rule on matters of foreign and domestic policy.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this twenty-fourth day of June, in the year of our Lord two thousand seven, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-first.


And in keeping with this theme, the Rude Pundit has the list of Six Principles issued by the OVP, while The Heretik (lurrrve the accompanying graphic!) poses the eternal question: So, if you’re not part of the Executive Branch, how exactly DO you assert Executive privilege?

Oy vey. Fred Thompson, or as James Wolcott calls him, “Wilfred Brimley” and Margaret Thatcher, jawboning in the same room? Violet gum, anyone?

Who says the Romney campaign is nothing, if not v-e-r-y carefully orchestrated? Oh, wait, TBogg does. And Scott at World O’ Crap provides a true coffee spewer of a photo caption. Adam Felber at Fanatical Apathy is shocked . . . SHOCKED . . . to find Mitt’s suit a tad empty.

Rising Hegemon‘s Attaturk explains very carefully why Rudy Giuliani had to step down from the Iraq Study Group and Steve M. at No More Mister Nice Blog chronicles the Bernie Kerik tear-jerker.

David(TX) at The Supreme Irony of Life found, via Oliver Willis, a faaaabulous ABBA lip synching video. And speaking of closeted Republican homosexuals, Scrutiny Hooligans‘ syntax and upyernoz at Rubber Hose note that Rick Santorum wants to be the next Robert Evans. Good luck with that, Rick.

Norbizness at Happy Furry Puppy Story Time sings the “Ballad of the American Left.”

New Pairodimes‘ Trifecta asks: What the F**K is with Tweety’s homoerotica?! Rogers at Kung Fu Monkey asks: What F**KING history book did General Petraeus read?

Blue Gal, swinging over at Agitprop, provides us with the “CLLLLLLLLLLLLAAASSY!” post of the day. Sadly, No!‘s Gavin M. highlights the sequel to “The Jessica Valenti Breast Incident”, and Mister Leonard Price gets groovy with some beatdown poetry.

Gottalaff at Cliff Schecter‘s joint suggests a new material for that U.S.-Mexican border fence. What is it with conservatives and sex, anyway? asks alicublog‘s Roy.

Salvage at Hairy Fish Nuts finds Treebark Jesus!

And now, this administrative note: I’M GOIN’ ON VACATION, BAYBAYS! No, not one of these “I’m gonna sneak out of work early this Friday so I can get the afternoon train out to the beach for a slightly longer weekend” vacations — no, it’s the “I need a passport and innoculations that jacked my arm up for days!” kind of vacation. Anyway, the multitalented Thers from Whiskey Fire is going to be pinch-hitting for me over the next three Sundays. He’ll be scintillating, I promise you that!

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NYC-based aquatic feline that likes long walks on the beach, illuminating the hypocrisies of "family values" Republicans, and engaging in snarling snarkitude.