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Why Republicans Recruit House Boys

graham.jpgEureka! I think maybe something snapped into place for me today, though I’m not sure. I’ll let you decide.

Here’s the question: why does the Republican Party recruit and promote so many closeted gay men?

I came to the question when I was watching Lindsey Graham (whose sexual orientation has been the subject of rumors for a long time, to the point where it’s almost an open secret) on the Sunday morning talk shows yet again. There he was, spewing more GOP talking points, as he’s so frequently called upon to do.

Most of the other Sunday morning regulars have ambitions for higher office. McCain and Biden come to mind. So why is Graham deputized to work the circuit, week after week, year after year?

Because he’s safe.

He’s safe. He has no ambition for higher office. Don’t you find that curious? Why does no one ever float his name as a potential candidate, given the high profile he’s cultivated over the years?

I think it’s because everyone knows he has no such ambitions, no expectation that he’s working to promote himself above and beyond the company party. And how can everyone be so sure of this?

Because they all know what’s in his closet. And he knows they know.

Lindsey Graham is never running for national office because the rumors about his sexual orientation would get a whole new level of scrutiny, whereas now, it’s don’t ask, don’t tell. Even recent Speaker of the House Denny Hastert was never thought to have presidential ambitions. He was installed as a safe person to do Tom Delay’s bidding. There are rumors about the ex-wrestling coach, too, and last election cycle, under the threat of a real race by Blue America favorite John Laesch in 2006, they almost came to the public in the post Mark Foley environment. And I must say, Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has his own rumor filled history that’s been percolating below the surface again now that’s he’s assumed his leadership responsibilities.

Closeted gay Republicans serve a very important function in the GOP ecosystem. The GOP likes to put them in key positions where they can be trusted to hold the party together among warring factions, putting a face on the party to promote the party without promoting themselves at anyone else’s expense. If they ever fail to perform the assigned function, well, secrets have a way of finding daylight when the people who keep them need to keep a man in line.

So, whaddya think of my theory? Am I on to something?

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Pachacutec did not, as is commonly believed, die in 1471. To escape the tragic sight of his successors screwing up the Inca Empire he’d built, he fled east into the Amazon rain forest, where he began chewing lots of funky roots to get higher than Hunter Thompson ever dared. Oddly, these roots gave him not only a killer buzz, but also prolonged his life beyond what any other mortal has known, excluding Novakula. Whatever his doubts of the utility of living long enough to see old friends pop up in museums as mummies, or witness the bizarrely compelling spectacle of Katherine Harris, he’s learned a thing or two along the way. For one thing, he’s learned the importance of not letting morons run a country, having watched the Inca Empire suffer many civil wars requiring the eventual ruler to gain support from the priests and the national military. He now works during fleeting sober moments to build a vibrant progressive movement sufficiently strong and sustainable to drive a pointed stake through the heart of American “conservatism” forever. He enjoys a gay marriage, classic jazz and roots for the New York Mets.