Bible in Blue
Liz at BlondeSense has distracted me from what this weekend was supposed to be the preparation of a post on the candidates for the presidency in 2008. It’s just as well: I was trying to figure out something very important, and I was getting nowhere.
Fortunately, Liz came to the rescue with the now-famous BlondeSense Friday Sex Post, a regularly scheduled event that seems quite popular over there. It’s not like the Dark Wraith would for his own part ever find anything concerning sex worthy of topical interest, not with the intellectual crowd that hangs out around here at Pam’s place, and certainly not with that same Dark Wraith’s own utter disinterest in all things of a salacious nature. However, from a purely historical and religious perspectivemy interest in both history and upright religiosity being well knownLiz’s “Friday Sex Post: The Bible” caught my attention. As Liz points out from recent news:
Hong Kong residents have called the decency of the bible into question due to its sexual and violent content and would like it to be classified as “indecent”…
Indeed the bible is a sexy and violent book…
Now, call me finicky, but I just can’t get particularly worked up about guys with giant beards getting it on with girls or guys or select livestock or any reasonably high-quality commercial device, motorized or otherwise (probably otherwise, given the antiquity of most biblical stories). However, the Holy Bible does offer an extraordinary variety of sex-related stories, vignettes, and allusions. One of the better glosses of Bible sex on the Internet can be found at X-Rated Bible verses. In my continuing efforts to deliver informative online content (and with no small degree of contrite apology for what follows), I herewith offer an improved version of content from several sites, including X-Rated Bible verses: several citations at the aforementioned Website are incorrect, and in some cases the references being made are specific to the King James Version of the Holy Bible. In what follows, I offer a link for every passage, usually electing the more modern New International Version. However, in some cases, I link instead to the King James Version because both the translation is truer to original writers’ intended meanings and the way of conveying the point being made is blunter. Below each passage, I offer a brief comment of my own. All citation links are to the marvelous Website, BibleGateway.com, which offers a number of versions of the Bible in more than a few modern languages. It’s my favorite Bible site, although they might prefer I leave them alone after they see this post.
Anyway, brace yourselves; the juicy parts of the Good Book are now open for review.
[The lengthy list–well more than 100 entries!–is below the fold.]◊ Genesis 17:9-14 | God mandates circumcision for all eight-day-old males.
•• HEL-lo! This book is already starting off way too damned butch for my literary tastes. ••
◊ Genesis 19:1-8 | The holy guy invites a gang to rape his two virgin daughters instead of the two male angels who are his house guests.
•• No way, man! Those angel guys use the professional skin-care products. ••
◊ Genesis 19:30-38 | Righteous man impregnates his two daughters while drunk.
•• S-s-s-sluts! That poor guy was probably totally messed up when he got sober and realized what had been done to his soggy old man-parts. ••
◊ Genesis 24:2-3, 9 | Place your hand “under the thigh” of someone when swearing sacred oaths.
•• That’ll get those ‘sacred oaths’ a-flowin’! ••
◊ Genesis 25:1-6 | Keeping mistresses is not adultery.
•• Maybe not, but it might be suicide when your wife finds out, Sparky. ••
◊ Genesis 32:25 | God shrivels Jacob’s ass-half right in the tender part.
•• FOUL! I don’t care if football hadn’t been invented yet; that’s still a foul, man! ••
◊ Genesis 34:1-31 | Genocide as revenge for the rape of a sister, swapping daughters like cattle, and a whole lot of pillaging; but no sex for the guy who isn’t circumcised.
•• Cripe, this could be some Hollywood script. ••
◊ Genesis 35:22 | Reuben, the son of Jacob, humps dad’s concubine, Bilhah.
•• BAD Reuben… BAAAAD Reuben! And why the Hell is that woman making you lunch, now?! ••
◊ Genesis 38:1-10 | Onan’s method of birth control met with disapproval from God, so God killed him.
•• Well, yeah, ‘specially ‘cuz the boy told his wife it was body lotion. ••
◊ Genesis 38:12-30 | Tamar pretends she’s a shrine prostitute to seduce her former father-in-law: he offers her a goat, but she’d rather have the staff.
•• Dang! but there’s an Emmy award in there for the girl, by crackie. ••
◊ Genesis 39:1-23 | The wife of the master wants to ride the “handsome and well-built” but trustworthy slave, he turns her down over and over again, so she says he tried to rape her, yada-yada-yada.
•• This story is so lame it wouldn’t even make it onto the Jerry Springer show these days. ••
◊ Genesis 47:29 | Joseph ordered to place his hand under father’s thigh.
•• See, now that’s just nasty. ••
◊ Exodus 20:26 | God specifies building of altar to prevent exposure of nakedness.
•• The people were all ugly when they were nude, so it was a good thing God did. ••
◊ Exodus 22:19 | Bestiality is declared a capital crime.
•• And the sheep didn’t fare so well, either, y’know ••.
◊ Exodus 33:17-23 | Moses can look at God’s back side, but not his face.
•• Jeez, and I thought I was the only one who saw backsides but not faces. ••
◊ Numbers 31:1-18; 28-47 | God commands genocide of Midianites, Moses orders his soldiers to butcher all the captives, except that they can keep the virgins for themselves.
•• Well, duh, they didn’t have payroll back then. ••
◊ Numbers 5:11-31 | The decreed fidelity test for women includes drinking poison.
•• And the fidelity test for guys includes having beer and watching strippers. ••
◊ Leviticus 12:1-8 | A woman who has given birth is unclean, and there’s something about giving birth to females being worse than giving birth to males.
•• Yeah, wait until the teenage years and see how much you regret not killing the males when they were young. ••
◊ Leviticus 15:16-18 | Sperm is nasty; guys need to wash after popping the nut, and they need to wash anything that the stuff landed on. The guy needs to wash afterward, and so does the woman if there was one involved in the relief effort.
•• But what do you tell her if she honestly thinks it’s hand lotion? ••
◊ Leviticus 15:19-33 | Menstruation is really, really nasty, so there must be very complicated rules to deal with all the nastiness.
•• Rule 1: These days, leave the woman alone about the rules, or she’ll beat your sorry ass so bad you’ll think you’re having a period, dude. ••
◊ Leviticus 15:29-30 | Menstruation is a sin, so women have to provide offerings of doves or pidgeons for their discharge.
•• Here’s a better one: Tampon ceremoniously dropped into toilet; Expanding Divine Clog scares the crap out of the guy trying to take a leak in the dark. ••
◊ Leviticus 18:22 | Homosexuality is detestable.
•• Unless it’s Republican homosexuality; then it’ll get you a job as a minister or a congressional aide. ••
◊ Leviticus 18:23 | Women shouldn’t present themselves to animals for the purpose of having sex.
•• Thank God! Mr. Ed would have been serious competition. ••
◊ Leviticus 19:1,20-22 | If a guy pumps his slave girl, he is forgiven once he offers a ram for atonement; the girl, on the other hand, gets whipped and ostracized
•• Well, geez, do you know how much a ram costs these days? ••
◊ Leviticus 20:10 | Death for adulterers.
•• A lot of people are going to miss Newt and Rudy. ••
◊ Leviticus 20:13 | Death for homosexuals.
•• Not as many people are going to miss Jeff and George. ••
◊ Leviticus 20:15-16 | Death for bestiality.
•• Only a few people will miss Karl. ••
◊ Leviticus 26:29 | Eat the flesh of your sons and daughters.
•• Sort of makes you wonder when someone says, “I love children.” ••
◊ Deuteronomy 3:1-7 | Wipe out your enemies’ cities and kill every man, woman, and child… and be sure not to leave until you’ve taken all the valuables with you.
•• Uh… does anyone else get the impression these guys weren’t the inspiration for the Geneva Conventions? ••
◊ Deuteronomy 21:10-14 | When you’ve wiped out your enemies’ villages, you can keep a pretty captive girl; but you have to leave her alone for a month so she can get over the fact that you butchered her family. Then you can try her out as a prospective long-term wife.
•• You can see the sentimental side of God coming through here, what with letting the woman have a little time to herself and all before she’s raped. ••
◊ Deuteronomy 22:5 | God detests women who wear men’s clothing and men who wear women’s clothing.
•• Damn! And Rudy looked absolutely delicious in that little number he was wearing. ••
◊ Deuteronomy 22:13-21 | A newly married woman who is not a virgin and whose father can’t prove that she is (what’s that supposed to mean?) shall be stoned to death.
•• Having to hear about that happening is obviously more than enough punishment for whoever made her a non-virgin. ••
◊ Deuteronomy 22:23-26 | In some circumstances, a raped virgin should be stoned to death because she didn’t scream.
•• And wait until she tries to get a morning-after pill in Joe Lieberman’s hometown. ••
◊ Deuteronomy 23:12-14 | Dig a hole and cover up the turds you squeeze out because God might be traipsing around, and boy would that ever be embarrassing if He stepped in your pile.
•• Does this book have practical advice, or what? ••
◊ Deuteronomy 25:5-10 | A widow whose dead husband’s brother won’t marry her can haul him before the elders, rip off his sandals, and spit in his face.
•• Now you just wait a minute! I paid darned good money for those sandals at Walmart last week, wench. ••
◊ Deuteronomy 25:11-12 | A woman shall have her hand cut off for touching a man’s penis, even if she’s doing so to stop him from killing her husband.
•• Do they pull out her teeth if she bites the assailant’s dick off? ••
◊ Deuteronomy 22:28-29 | All the rules for what happens if you get caught after seducing or raping (depending upon how you interpret the passage and the situation) a virgin… for one thing, it’s going to cost you fifty sheckels to her dad, and you’ve gotta marry her for life.
•• Fifty sheckels?! AND marriage with no prospect for divorce? Who says those Hebrews weren’t tough on guys for sex crimes? ••
◊ Deuteronomy 23:1 | A man who’s had his balls crushed or cut off can’t go to church.
•• You see, this is one of those situations where’s there’s a silver lining to a really dark cloud: sure, you lose your manhood; but you don’t have to go to church anymore! ••
◊ Deuteronomy 23:2 | Children born of forbidden marriages (or out of wedlock, from the King James Version of Deuteronomy 23:2) are condemned clear out to the tenth generation.
•• Boy, it’s a darned good thing Joseph got Mary to that Elvis wedding chapel when he did. ••
◊ Deuteronomy 23:10-11 | A guy who has a wet dream needs to go be by himself for a while, then he has to wash up before he’s allowed to show his face around the camp again.
•• Fine, but just for your information, I’m not wiping off the ceiling before I leave. ••
◊ Deuteronomy 24:1 | A guy can’t divorce his wife and then remarry her if she got remarried and then divorced or widowed.
•• Well, heck. That shoots down the sentimental plotline for a couple of decent Hallmark Special Movies I was thinking of scripting. ••
◊ Deuteronomy 28:27 | Hemorrhoids (“emerods” in the King James Version cited, or “boils” in the New International Version of this passage) that won’t heal are the punishment for making God mad at you.
•• So… that means I’m wasting my money on all that Preparation H, huh? ••
◊ Deuteronomy 28:30 | One of the Lord’s curses is for a fellow to have another man hump his new bride first.
•• If there’s something good on TV that night, where’s the problem? ••
◊ Deuteronomy 28:53-57 | This curse by God is about as rough as it gets: People will get so mean that men will eat their kids and they won’t share the meal, and women will get so mean they’ll eat their own afterbirth and not even share it with their husbands and children.
•• I suppose I might be a little selfish, too, if I’d spent a lot of time grilling a kid’s thigh meat properly or had sautéed some afterbirth in a really expensive vinegrette. ••
◊ Judges 3:20-22 | The king’s gut was so fat and flabby that the sword’s handle sunk in after the blade, and in the King James Version of the passage, the king’s turds (“dirt”) flowed out.
•• I’ll stick with the suppository, thank you. ••
◊ Judges 4:4-22 | Treacherous murder by a woman using a hammer and peg through a sleeping guy’s temple, nailing the poor SOB’s head into the dirt.
•• DAMN, woman, just you see if I ever get into a bed with your ass. ••
◊ Judges 8:30 | Gideon had seventy sons by a whole bunch of wives and (at least) one by a concubine.
•• Gideon had an expensive hobby, that’s what Gideon had (and Gideon could have used a prescription for anti-Viagra, too) ••
◊ Judges 11:29-40 | Jephtha has to sacrifice his only daughter because he promised God he would do that to the first thing that came to his door after he’d returned home victorious from battle, and wouldn’t you know it but his daughter was the first thing that showed up at his door.
•• You see, this is where God needed to let Jephtha off the hook for that vow, but did He? Noooo. (There’s a lesson in there about making promises to a god who holds guys to promises of sacrificing their daughters but tells dads at the last minute they don’t have to sacrifice their sons.) ••
◊ Judges 19:1-30 | A man’s concubine is raped by homosexuals (who really wanted to rape the guy), and then when her master gets her home, he chops her up into twelve pieces.
•• This is where I need to get up and walk around for a while lest I throw up all over this sick crap hundreds of millions of people think is the Word of a real god. ••
◊ Judges 21:6-25 | Butcher a tribe to get some virgins for your allies, and then, when you find out there weren’t enough virgins captured, have your friends hide in the bushes and attack a bunch of girls going to a dance to get some more.
•• Hey, what are friends for? ••
◊ Ruth 3:6-9 | Ruth wants Boaz for her husband, so she curls up next to a him while he’s sleeping; when he awakens, she tells him what she wants him to do.
•• This hasn’t happened to me. Am I wearing the wrong colongne, or is it because I snore like a buffalo? ••
◊ Ruth 4:9-10 | So Boaz buys all the property of these dead guys, and he gets Ruth in the deal since she was the wife of one of those dead guys.
•• Ruth should go into estate sales. She’s gooood. ••
◊ I Samuel 5:9-12 | The Philistines get hit with hemorrhoids (“tumors” in the New International Version of the passage) as punishment for stealing the ark of God
•• I’m not getting the connection between making God mad and His big thing about using ‘rhoids as punishment, but I’m not very interested in having anyone explain the logic to me, either. ••
◊ I Samuel 6:1-5 | To atone to God for stealing that ark, the Phillistines have to offer him five gold hemorrhoids.
•• What the Hell is that all about? ••
◊ I Samuel 15:3 | God orders Saul to wipe out the Amalekites, including all the “men and women, children and infants, cattle and sheep, camels and donkeys.”
•• What the heck did the donkeys do to deserve this? That’s what I want to know. ••
◊ I Samuel 18:23-27 | Saul tells David that, in lieu of money to marry Saul’s daughter, David can deliver a hundred Philistine foreskins. So what does David do? He goes out and kills so many Philistines that he is able to deliver two hundred. Saul is impressed. David gets the girl.
•• Killing guys and cutting off their foreskins? Ain’t NO bitch worth doing that. I’m sorry. ••
◊ I Samuel 25:22,3 4 | This passage talks about “any that pisseth against the wall,” but it really has to do with consequences on conscience of blind vengeance.
•• I guess that means we’re talking about the smell you get on you from splash-back. ••
◊ II Samuel 3:7 | Saul’s son, Ish-Bosheth, confronts Abner for mounting Saul’s concubine, Rizpah.
•• This book really does have parts that read like a lame soap opera. ••
◊ II Samuel 11:1-27 | This is the passage where David sends his friend, Uriah the Hittite, off to battle with secret orders to other soldiers to make sure he gets killed. David does this because he wants Uriah’s wife. The plan works, and David gets the woman.
•• Uriah needed better friends, David needed to die, and God needs to explain why He forgives a pig like David but has His holy writers brag about how He oversees the slaughter of men, women, and children. No wonder the people who devoutly read this stuff can be such inconsistent assholes. ••
◊ II Samuel 12:7-12 | Everyone gets to watch the sex show. At least that’s what it sounds like God is promising.
•• Popcorn! Peanuts! Handywipes! ••
◊ II Samuel 5:13 | David had lots and lots of concubines and wives, who had kids by the truckload (okay, by the chariot load).
•• Is this whole thing sort of like the religious version of Monopoly for these guys? ••
◊ II Samuel Chapter 13 | Amnon rapes his sister, Tamar; then he hates her so much for what he’s done that he has her dragged out of his room. Absalom finally, two years later, has Amnon killed.
•• Ah, happy endings always make me feel good. ••
◊ II Samuel 16:20-23 | Absalom has sex with his dad’s concubines on a rooftop where everyone can watch.
•• Is this a great neighborhood, or what? ••
◊ II Samuel 20:3 | David tosses the ten concubines (TEN?! Was that in one night?!) Absalom pumped in a guarded house, where they were kept for the rest of their lives.
•• Hussies. They could have just killed themselves rather than obey a direct order from their master’s son. ••
◊ I Kings 1:1-4 | When David got old and sick, his servants found him a gorgeous young virgin to get him warmed up; but alas, David wasn’t interested.
•• Uh, did anyone ever stop to think of how fast that boy would have kicked the bucket if he’d actually gotten a young woman started on him? ••
◊ I Kings 11:1-10 | Solomon has “had seven hundred wives of royal birth and three hundred concubines.”
•• That’s gotta be a misprint… It’s NOT?! (Well, sheee-it!) ••
◊ I Kings 14:10 | More of that pissing against the wall stuff, and a reference to hauling away manure, too.
•• Human excrement was sort of an important point of reference back then, wasn’t it? ••
◊ I Kings 16:11 | Here’s the passage: “[W]hen [Zimri] began to reign, as soon as he sat on his throne… he slew all the house of Baasha: he left him not one that pisseth against a wall, neither of his kinsfolks, nor of his friends.”
•• There’s another reference to human excrement. Those scribal guys were downright nasty-talking peckers, weren’t they? ••
◊ I Kings 21:21 | And here’s yet another direct quote: “Behold, I will bring evil upon thee, and will take away thy posterity, and will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall…”
•• This ‘pissing against the wall’ kenning is getting old. Can’t they do one like “farts into the wind” once in a while? ••
◊ II Kings 6:24-33 | Some woman recounts how her son got cooked and eaten.
•• Okay, the pissing on the wall thing wasn’t so bad, after all, compared to this fetish. ••
◊ II Kings 9:8 | They go back to the pissing on the wall deal.
•• ENOUGH! No more pissing on the wall, no more cannibalism, no more anything stupid, sick, or in bad culinary taste! ••
◊ II Kings 23:7 | Male whorehouses got torn down.
•• But fortunately, the guys providing companionship for President Bush escaped unharmed. ••
◊ I Chronicles 1:32-33 | The six sons of Abraham’s concubine, Keturah, are named.
•• Sheez, even the sleazy tabloids these days try to be a little more discreet than this. ••
◊ II Chronicles 11:21 | King Rehoboam had eighteen wives and sixty concubines; among these ladies, the king sired twenty-eight sons and sixty daughters.
•• Not bad, but he’s not even in the same league as Solomon with his seven hundred. ••
◊ Esther Chapters 1-2 | Xerxes’s queen disobeys him, so he holds a sex tournament to decide who will be the replacement queen.
•• O, yeah. I knew we’d get to some good stuff. This what I’m talkin’ about. Right here: Uh-huh. This Bible stuff RULEZ, man. ••
◊ Song of Solomon | Goooood sex poetry.
•• I still don’t get the part about how she made his “bowels move.” ••
◊ Isaiah 3:16 | God gets mad because women are walking around all uppity, looking at guys, and walking with a merry step; so God has all the men killed in battle.
•• Well, now, that’s a twist on the way it usually works out in the Bible, what with the way God normally kicks the women’s asses and lets the guys get off Scot free. ••
◊ Isaiah 9:20 | People are going to eat their own kids.
•• This cannibalism thing seems to center around dining on kids, which makes sense considering they’re probably pretty tender compared to some old person. ••
◊ Isaiah 14:21-22 | Kids get put to death for what their forefathers did.
•• Cripe, and kids now days hate their dads for just being too busy working at the office. ••
◊ Isaiah 16:11 | Here’s the money quote: “Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine inward parts for Kirharesh.”
•• Big deal; my bowels sound like a tuba, and my inward parts can do a damn good runaway freight train. ••
◊ Isaiah 36:12 | The passage is a pretty hurtful commentary on guys for sitting on a wall eating their own turds and drinking their own piss.
•• Yes, but do they use a toothpaste with flouride afterward? That’s what counts. ••
◊ Jeremiah 16:4 | Wishes for horribly bad deaths come flowing forth.
•• Someone who could think up this kind of sick stuff needs to be kept away from kids, decent adults, and most family pets. ••
◊ Lamentations 2:19 | This passage is a lamentation to God about all the horrendous miseries he has visited upon people, many of whom didn’t deserve it.
•• Give the writer credit for restraint; if I had written that, there would have been some serious use of profanity, obscenity, and vulgarity to get the point across about God being a total asshole. ••
◊ Lamentations 4:10 | Women use their children’s flesh to make food.
•• “Honey, have you seen the kids this morning?… Oooo! Sausage links for breakfast!” ••
◊ Ezekiel 4:12-15 | First, God wants the bread cooked over a fire stoked with human feces; then he accepts a compromise that it be cooked over a fire fueled by cow manure.
•• “Honey, how come this bread tastes like ass?” ••
◊ Ezekiel 5:8-10 | Dads will eat their kids, and kids will eat their dads.
•• I guess that leaves Mom to say the blessing over the meal. ••
◊ Ezekiel 8:2 | God shows his loins, and boy are they hot!
•• If we could get that guy into some leather, we’d get free drinks at the bar. ••
◊ Ezekiel 16:15 | Whining about an easy girl.
•• By the guy too uptight to ask for His turn. ••
◊ Ezekiel 16:36-37 | God’s going to strip the whore naked in front of all her johns.
•• And… they’re going to see what that they hadn’t already seen? ••
◊ Ezekiel 23:1-40 | This is a long, gruesome analogy between a pair of prostitutes and Israel. It starts off interesting enough, what with talk about playing with titties, but then it gets down to the usual Bible stuff about suffering, misery, and people getting slaughtered.
•• Ah, a biblical reference to Israel being the whore. That might explain why the American/Israeli Political Action Committee is so obsessed with making sure that our politicians here in the U.S. are the whores for Tel Aviv, these days. ••
◊ Ezekiel 29:7-8 | The vow by God, “Behold, I will bring a sword upon thee, and cut off man and beast out of thee” can be taken as a description of chopping off a penis.
•• Memo to Self: Wear metal cup when near angry God. ••
◊ Hosea 1:2-11 | God’s mad at Israel so he tells Hosea to find a whore for a wife.
•• Geez, this is going to mean we’ll need a whole lot of loose women when God gets down to punishing America for the way it’s been acting during the Bush Administration. ••
◊ Hosea 2:1-15 | This is one long rant by God against Israel in which most of the allusions are sexual.
•• That, or the prophet writing this sleaze was just horny that day. ••
◊ Nahum 3:4-6 | I quote God: “I am against you… I will lift your skirts over your face. I will show the nations your nakedness
and the kingdoms your shame.”
•• Hey, wait a minute! What makes God think I’m not wearing any underwear under my skirt? ••
◊ Malachi 2:1-4 | God will smear your faces with manure.
•• Before or after the turds have been evacuated from the bowels? That’s important to some of us, y’know. ••
◊ Matthew 5:27-30 | You’ve committed adultery even if you’ve just lusted after woman.
•• Sheesh. Talk about a real kill-joy of a guy. ••
◊ Matthew 5:31-32 | Unless a man divorces a woman for unfaithfulness, she’s an adultress as soon as she has sex with another man after the divorce.
•• So she’s a whore because she was divorced, or she’s a whore as a result of the divorce, is that how it works? And what does that make the guy in all of this?Pimp Daddy? ••
◊ Matthew 19:3-9 | This is where Jesus points out that the man who divorces and remarries is an adulterer.
•• Is it just me, or should all those Republican presidential candidates be shifting around uncomfortably in their chairs? ••
◊ Matthew 19:12 | Men might want to accept the fact that they should castrate themselves for Jesus.
•• Castrate yerself for Jesus, you weirdo. ••
◊ Matthew 22:24 | After the resurrection, people will not be married.
•• Ah, so there is a day of rest after all. ••
◊ Luke 2:21 | The eight-day-old Jesus gets His circumcision
•• What’s with this eight-day-old weiner skinning thing, fer cryin’ out loud?! Give the damn kid some time to get used to how cold it is outside the womb. ••
◊ Acts 15:24 | There is no commandment requiring circumcision.
•• Maybe not, but it sure teaches the boys who’s boss. ••
◊ Acts 16:3 | Paul circumcises an adult.
•• And then goes out and smokes a cigarette. ••
◊ Romans 1:26-32 | Gay men and lesbians “worthy of death,” as are their supporters.
•• ..uh, unless they’re really religious Republicans or the daughters of ’em. ••
◊ I Corinthians 7:1-40 | To be perfectly holy, don’t even touch a woman, much less have sex with one.
•• Okay, fine, I’ll start blogging. ••
◊ I Corinthians 7:18-19 | If you’re not circumcised, stay that way.
•• NOW you tell me, you asshole! ••
◊ Galatians 5:1-4 | Paul actually condemns circumcision (for his Greek audience, none of whose men particularly like the idea).
•• Wait a minute! In Acts 16:3, Paul circumcises a guy… oh, I see: that guy was a “friend.” ••
◊ Revelation 17:1-16 | The whore of Revelation is stripped, eaten, and burned.
•• In that order?! ••
There are more passages in the various translations of the Bible available at your local bookstore or online, but I’ve just about worn myself out coming up with sardonic commentary with the ones offered above.
The Dark Wraith hopes readers have enjoyed and benefited from this long but informative article.