When we last left The Five Brothers they were fighting the good fight, if by fighting the good fight we mean helping their dad get elected President because that bastard Gordon B. Hinckley refuses to die. So the boys (who probably call each other ‘bro’ while exchanging elaborate yet ultimately awkward ‘soulman’ handshakes whenever they get together) are busy at work over at The Five Brothers (Teh 5 Brud4hz) giving us the inside scoop on America’s Game Show Host Who Thinks He Should Be Presidentâ„¢. Let’s check in, okay?.
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Writes Tagg who maybe should have been a bit more specific seeing as the voters were obviously confused about which white guy to vote for and mistakenly text-voted for Ron Paul instead. We’ll just scratch Tagg from the “Mitt!: Getting Out The Vote Team” come election day.
Next up, I’ll bet you think Mitt! Romney is a one-dimensional candidate completely lacking depth or nuance on any of the issues of the day based upon his pre-programed soundbite-friendly lowest-common-denominator answers that sound like they were written by Jeff Foxworthy who has his own line of beef jerky now proving that America is truly the land of opportunity.Well you would be wrong! The whole family is multi-dimensional:
On my Time Magazine blog post, Mrs. T asks how tall each of us is. Well, here’s the rundown:
Dad is 6’2″
Mom is 5’8″
Tagg is 6′
Matt is 6′
Josh is 6’3″
Ben is 6’2″
Craig is 6’3″.
OK, I admit that Matt and I are actually each 1/4″ short of 6′, but we’ve always felt better about rounding to the nearest inch. We don’t know why the other 3 brothers got all the height, and we are definitely bitter about it.
I will never forget coming home from college and Josh had grown like crazy and was taller than I was. It drove me nuts. Two of us have married girls of average height or shorter (my wife and Ben’s are both about 5’2″), and the other three each married girls 5’8″ or taller. I’m afraid my kids will need a lot of heart to compete on the basketball court with their cousins in a few years!
And sure Mitt! might look like a stiff, but as Matt points out, this cat Mitt is a bad mother — shut your mouth! – but I’m talkin’ ‘bout Mitt:
And as usual he started with a joke … yes, it was â€œMitt humorâ€ at its best. Despite our repeated comments that he has some lame jokes, I must admit that he has a very quick wit and good sense of humor. At one point during his speech, he made a plea for everyone in the crowd to donate the maximum. Shortly after he said that someone from the kitchen dropped something and made a very loud thud. He interrupted his next comment and said: â€œI think someone in the audience just passed out from the prospect of having to part with all that money.â€ The place absolutely erupted in laughter.
Can you dig it?