Dispatches from the Republic of Dumb

Congressman Eric Cantor (R-VA) who is the Chief Deputy Assistant Night Manager Trainee Whip has a great idea to jump start the moribund Republican party. Employ the boundless American ingenuity that has given us the electric light, the automobile, and beer bottle labels that turn blue to let you know the beer is cold. So Eric has set up the Solutions Factory where yokels American Patriots can share their vision of the Republican Renewal. But here, let some soulless flaccid white-bread social maladroit who works for Eric ‘splain it all to you:

Welcome to Solutions Factory. In building this website, we have been motivated by a simple idea – that by working together we have the ability to create a better future for America.

Over the course of the past few years, Republicans have allowed ourselves to get trapped in the politics of the day-to-day. We lost our clear sense of purpose and direction. We were caught in a constant stream of reactive politics.

As I have traveled and listened to Republicans across this country, one refrain has remained consistent – it is time for our party to renew its commitment to conservative solutions.

Solutions Factory is intended to be a proactive discussion on how we can create a brighter future, a better America. This Republican Renewal seeks not to change our core principles, but to fulfill them; we seek not to change our values, but to embody them.

Today, I’d like to invite you to join us in the first step of achieving the Republican Renewal, by helping to build an agenda for the future. Register with the Solutions Factory website, submit your solutions, then rank and debate the solutions of others – together, we will build a conservative agenda for the future, written by the American People.

Best Wishes,
Soulless Flaccid White-bread Social Maladroit Eric Cantor

Now if that doesn’t give you a tingle of anticipation causing your nipples to harden like Hershey’s Kisses, well, you ain’t no friend of mine. So cry havoc and let slip the brainstorms of innovation:

Truth in Media

Require media personalities – reporters, talking heads, debate moderators – to disclose/display their own stance on issues they’re reporting on or discussing. For example, when doing a story on Iraq, there should be a caption indicating whether the reporter is pro- or anti- regarding the war.

Prosperity for Mexico

Th reason that the Mexicans come here is that there are fewer opportunities in their own country.

America must adopt policies that force, yes I said force, the Mexicans to confront their own failings.

I’ve lived on the mexican border for close to twenty years and I’ve been saddened by the lack of opportunity these people have.

The old line Mexican socialism has stifled the free market. The incredible disparity between the haves and have nots is a major source of concern.

So america should insist on banking reform, economic de regulation and serious anti corruption efforts. Right now the Mexican government can ignore (or in fact export) thier problems to us. Let’s be proactive.

My solution calls on Mexico to heal itself. By bringing true democracy and capitalism to mexico we can unleashe the same dynamics that make us such a great nation.


Create a website similar to Wikipedia for Americans to sign up and then contribute ideas for a unique intelligence estimate the the DNI can draw from as desired and as need be. This “Outside the Circle” thinking will help intelligence officials dream of terrorist plots and foreign intelligence estimates at home and abroad without much overhead of hiring analysts. Though “spies” could unfortunately participate in this, ideally the good information provided by millions of Americans would outweigh the bad.

I think that last one was was submitted by dougf@fuckingstupidestguyonthefaceoftheearth.com.

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Yeah. Like I would tell you....