TBogg

The Swan Song of J. Lileks PrufrockStraight outta Fargo…

When we last left James Lileks we were informed that those BASTARDS at the Star Tribune were moving Jimbo to the Answering the Phone and Explaining Marmaduke desk because, let’s face it, those BASTARDS at the Star Tribune wouldn’t know quality if it came in a bottle labeled Quality purchased at the Quality Store down at the Quality Mall. So Lileks, who is either E.B . White, Jim Murray, or Herb Caen depending on how many Zimas you’ve shotgunned, is totally gonna show those BASTARDS the kind of Pulitzer-winning shit they’re gonna be missing when he takes act across town to the Hmong Times. Suck on that , bitchez!!! You got ninety-nine problems but a Jim ain’t one. Check out J-Lil’s latest for the Strib:

I like Pepto-Bismol. There. I said it. When I have a gut full of battery acid and barbed-wire shards, I reach for the big pink bottle, and I glug it straight. You feel it descending on your stomach lining, like a curtain falling on a bad play. It never seems to cure anything, but it’s a comfort; I always have a bottle in reserve, and it’s Maximum Strength, too, baby. Sure, it’s overkill, but once they admitted the existence of Maximum Strength, Regular was off the table. I think Maximum was like their private reserve, something they bottled for popes and astronauts. Now we all have access, and I’m not going back.

I don’t buy the bar-pour, either. Every drugstore has their own knock-off. Papto-Basmith. Piptu-Basmol. Yes, it might have the same Active Ingredients, but the taste is like a K-Tel cover version. But what is that taste, exactly? It reminds me of the pink lozenges Grandpa used to give us when we won a game of Hide the Thimble. He had bags of those things, most of which he’d purchased in bulk in 1947. War surplus. It’s a warm memory. I toast him in the mirror when I loft the bottle. Here’s lookin’ at you, Gramps.

So you can imagine my pleasure at finding a website devoted to cooking with Pepto-Bismol. I won’t give the URL, because the makers of P-B do not recommend it, and I cannot endorse unsupported application of The Pink. I mention this only because it tells us we are not alone. If they released a non-medicated version of Pepto-Bismol, and marketed it as a vitamin smoothie, they’d sell a billion gallons in year one.

Look, I can stop anytime. Anyway, lots of people keep those chewable versions in their pockets.

jlileks@startribune.com

Ah Jim, no Sudoku could ever compare to U…

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