GREENSBERG, KANSAS ? The tornado that struck here over the weekend and destroyed nearly all of this once-peaceful town, leaving more than a dozen dead, has been blamed on overabundance of prayer, heterosexual marriage and Jesus.
“Look at places like San Francisco, Fire Island ? or Calcutta or Tokyo,” said local pastor William “Jimmy” Throbnagel. “They didn’t get hit by tornadoes this weekend, and they’re rife with sodomites and pagans.”
Throbnagel was standing on the site of his former church, reduced to flinders by the power of the cyclone that raged through the heart of Greensberg. “I used to preach right here,” he said. “I used to tell my flock that as long as they prayed to Jesus and did not lie with mankind as with woman, the shielding hand of the Lord would protect them from evil.”
Turning a tear-streaked face to the sky, he cried out, “My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me?”
Several other Greensbergians seemed to feel the same way. “We followed what the Good Book has in it,” said one woman. “And we voted for the President all four times. But it don’t seem to matter. It don’t look like our God is the right God.”
“You’d think we’d be right in the eyes of the Lord,” added a second woman, “after we run them ragheads out of town that was runnin’ the hotel and gas station.”
“Right,” chimed in a man. “And I personally beat up three faggots, but still God done went and sicced a twister on us.”
Asked if he would rebuild, Throbnagel answered in the affirmative, reinforcing the can-do nature of hardy Midwestern stock. “But it won’t be a Christian church,” he said.
What kind of church did he have in mind?
“I was lookin’ at a copy of the Kama Sutra that I confiscated from one of the acolytes,” he said. “I think maybe I’ll give Hinduism a try for a while.”