Face the Snark – Commander Guy Edition
for the week ending 5/5/07:
[Dim houselights, cue intro music]
Chris Matthews: Hello, and welcome to "The Candidating Game," where one lucky guy at the end of this evening will get to take Lady Liberty on the chaperoned date of her dreams! But enough of this tomfoolery, let's meet today's contestants!
[cue incidental music]
No stranger to this game, Candidate #1 was dating even while he was still married! Tough on crime, and even tougher on dresses, let's meet Rudy! [audience applause as the candidate enters.]
Candidate #2 was a "maverick" before Ford Motor Co. and Tom Cruise made mavericks cool! Whether he's strolling through a Baghdad market or the mean streets of Tempe, you'll always feel safe with John! Give him a hand! [audience applause]
With his Hollywood good looks and abiding interest in . . . well, we're not entirely sure, but that doesn't matter because Candidate #3 is just so darned handsome! And he looks really good in flipflops! Welcome, Mitt! The boys will get settled in, and we'll be back after this station identification break. [audience applause, commercial]
Chris Matthews: Candidate #1, while you were Mayor of New York City, you had to deal with the biggest national tragedy ever. If I were a grieving 9/11 widow and you had to console me, what would you say?
Rudy: I HATE abortion! Crime went down on my watch! Ferrets are dirty, dirty creatures and you need to seek psychological help for your obsession! Yeah, a woman should be able to choose whether or not to terminate her pregnancy. Or not. Whatever Scalia says.
Chris Matthews: Candidate #2, some people say that if you're elected, you'll be the oldest sitting President this country has ever had. If I were a widow with an infant son who just learned her husband was killed in Baghdad, how would you console me?
John: I'd follow you TO THE GATES OF HELL!!!
Chris Matthews: Um, that's it?
John: THE GATES OF HELL, DAMMIT! Oh, and I had red jello today. [McCain grins awkwardly]
Chris Matthews: Okay! Candidate #3, if I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? HAH! I kid. If I were a quadriplegic and as President, you just vetoed stem cell research legislation, how would you console me?
Mitt: I was pro-choice until I learned the truth about cloning. Now I'm pro-life. I want to apologize to all the fundamentalist voters for acceding to my constituency in Massachusetts who wanted pro-choice legislation. Osama bin Laden will pay and he will DIE! You can't be President if you're an atheist.
Chris Matthews: Well, we're out of time. We'll see which one of these spectacularly virile candidates will get lucky with Lady Liberty after this commercial break!
alicublog's roy edroso invites us all to join in on a book club discussion. And then you can discuss Mitt Romney's favorite book with Jabberwock, at Enter the Jabberwock. If you're not thetan-ed out at that point, swing by David E.'s Fablog and enjoy the theee-ayter!
Cliff Schecter warns us all that we'd better be good, otherwise he'll FOLLOW US TO THE GATES OF HELL!!! Attaturk at Rising Hegemon shares his favorite niblets from the GOP "debate", while Oliver Willis shows off his souvenir poster. And Wolcott is fascinated by ferrets.
Heywood J. at Hammer of the Blogs notes every season is softball season in Washington, D.C.!
d r i f t g l a s s crafts his own version of the funniest joke of all time!
William K. Wolfrum gives us all a tutorial in the proper use of civility in blog posts.
TBogg finds an amazing grace and serendipity in the Biblethon.
Jesus' General needs to dream bigger. I'm thinking Cadillace Escalade, at least. (P.S. He's having a fundraiser, if you've got the francs.)
Not really snark per se, but August J. Pollak points us to crazy people being even crazier. Gavin M. at Sadly, No! expands upon the story. Edicts of Nancy's Sister Nancy Beth Eczema provides the editorial.
Now I understand what my cat was trying to tell me. Thanks, ellroon!
Holden the Pony Boy of First Draft subjects himself to more diabolical tongue-twisting by COMMANDER GUY!