From the Good Very Heterosexual Jesus’ General — please step back from the keyboard if you have a cup of coffee, this is hilarious:
Fishermen, Inc. makes figurines of Jesus participating in very butch activities like playing football, riding bulls, and engaging in the rawest, most manly, and sacred capitalist endeavor, working for food. These little statues are exactly what Our Lord needs to convince us that he’s as heterosexual as the Pope or your average mega-church pastor–I mean who ever heard of a homosexual cowboy or football player?).
…Hopefully, Fishermen, Inc. won’t stop there. There are a number of ways to increase a man’s heterosexual bona fides that don’t involve riding bulls, playing football, or working for food. They’re the kinds of things warriors against homosexuality like myself do to convince our friends and acquaintances that we’re truly committed to living a heterosexual lifestyle…really…we are. You know what I mean, things like pushing for legislation to deny homosexuals the right to marry the person they love or be granted the basic right of being true to themselves when they join the military. Things like that.
I’m picturing a petition-carrying Jesus figurine to cover the former and Our Savior fitting a ball gag on a sailor to take care of the latter. I suppose a shout out to the Illinois Family Institute’s Peter LaBarbera would also be useful, maybe a leather-and-nipple-chain-clad Jesus going undercover to document the atrocities at a pride event. I don’t think there’s anything that gives a man more hetero cred than being a secret agent in the war against sodomy. It sure works for Mr. LaBarbera.