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Late Nite FDL: “Don’t Touch Me!” It Squealed, Just Before the Boot Came Down


(Who else could be responsible for this image?  Darkblack did it!  Darkblack did it!)  

Well, well, well.  It seems that one dimunitive pop star has more stones than the entire White House Press Corps combined (except for possibly Helen Thomas, who will always and forever be Empress of White House Reporters).  But, yeah, shit went down at the White House Correspondents' Dinner on Saturday night.  Apparently, all it takes is one mouthy, petite, guitar-playing woman to send Karl Rove squalling and running for cover like a little bitch.

 Last night Thelma and Louise drove the bus off the cliff or at least into the White House Correspondents Dinner. The "highlight" of the evening had to be when we were introduced to Karl Rove. How excited were we to have our first opportunity ever to talk directly to the Bush Administration about global warming.

Pfffffft.  Good luck with that!  These are the people who think Alberto Gonzales did a fantastic job in his Congressional testimony last week.  (Yeah, right, I know!)  Shit, they think we're winning in Iraq!  What the hell makes you think that this crowd of proud, paid Reality-Deniers is going to listen to sense about anything?

We asked Mr. Rove if he would consider taking a fresh look at the science of global warming. Much to our dismay, he immediately got combative. And it went downhill from there.

Now, see, honestly.  This is a man whose whole career, nay, his whole life's raison d'etre is finding ways to aggressively lie to the American people so they will be more malleable, passive, and trusting of the Right.  Every single move this man has made in his entire life has centered around a small but effective arsenal of dirty tricks.  He doesn't care about the environment!  Not unless the seas are going to rise and drown every black voter in America before the 2008 elections.  Now that's an environmental initiative the Bush administration could get behind!  Fortunately, beyond New Orleans, it looks like that plan has gone the way of every other BushCo Brilliant Plan, which is no more or less than they deserve for contracting it out to Bechtel, I guess.

We reminded the senior White House advisor that the US leads the world in global warming pollution and we are doing the least about it. Anger flaring, Mr. Rove immediately regurgitated the official Administration position on global warming which is that the US spends more on researching the causes than any other country.

We felt compelled to remind him that the research is done and the results are in ( Mr. Rove exploded with even more venom. Like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum, Mr. Rove launched into a series of illogical arguments regarding China not doing enough thus neither should we. (Since when do we follow China's lead?)

What, the "everybody ELSE is doing it!" argument isn't cutting any ice with you, Ms. David?  Ms. Crow?  Don't you see how perfectly ineluctable Rove's point is?  Why should we stop being the Number One Polluter when that will just mean China will be Number One?  We can't have China beating us in anything!  So, if they're going to poison the planet, then we've got to poison it twice as fast!  America FIRST, you terrorist-loving hippies!  And if Number One Polluter is the only thing we can still excel at, then by God, we owe it to…

You're not buying a word of this, are you?


In his attempt to dismiss us, Mr. Rove turned to head toward his table, but as soon as he did so, Sheryl reached out to touch his arm. Karl swung around and spat, "Don't touch me."

"Your Goodness and Beauty, they BURNSES us!!  HISSSSSS!!!"

How hardened and removed from reality must a person be to refuse to be touched by Sheryl Crow? Unfazed, Sheryl abruptly responded, "You can't speak to us like that, you work for us."

What?!  The NERVE!!  Sheryl Crow should know better.  How dare she be insolent and unafraid in the face of the unrestrained wrath of the most eeeeeevil Pear-Shaped Minion of Satan in America? 

Karl then quipped, "I don't work for you, I work for the American people."

Riiiiiiiiight.  Good ol' salt o' the earth Karl Rove, a real Man of the Volk!  Upholding American standards of fairness, decency, and equal justice for every multi-millionaire GOP donor in the country.

To which Sheryl promptly reminded him, "We are the American people."

I might need to check with Teh General on this, y'all.  In spite of being born in Missouri, Ms. Crow may be a Frenchman without realizing it. 

At that point Mr. Rove apparently decided he had had enough. Like a groundhog fearful of his own shadow, he scurried to his table in an attempt to hibernate for another year from his responsibility to address global warming. Drama aside, you would expect as an American citizen to be able to engage in a civil discussion with a public official. Instead, Mr. Rove was dismissive, condescending, and quite frankly a bully.

Ultimately, we were left wondering what on Earth Mr. Rove was talking about when he said "the American people." If more than 60% of American voters, the Supreme Court, over 400 cities, the US National Academy of Sciences, numerous major US corporations, and others don't constitute the American people, then what does? 

Haw, haw!!  He works for the BUSH ADMINISTRATION!  Hello?!  The people who can't be bothered to attend the funerals of the war dead?  The people who really can't be bothered to properly care for the wounded returning from Afghanistan and Iraq?  The people who charge hundreds of thousands of dollars for just a few minutes' access to the Narcissisist in Chief?  The only time they can be bothered with the American People is when they need them as props for a photo-op!  Or, of course, when they're big GOP donors with their checkbooks out.

See, that was your mistake Sheryl.  You may be a millionaire, but you left your checkbook and sacks of cash on the bus, which means Karl is just NOT going to make time for you.  Tsk.  Tsk.  If you're expecting more than arrogance and ass-covering from this cartel of thieves and killers, you came to the wrong dinner party.

But don't get me wrong.  We sure appreciate the effort.  We just all kind of wish you'd hauled off and kicked him in the nuts or something.

(Or where nuts would be on a normal adult male human.) 

Oh, and Mr. Rove.  We're still going to need to see those emails. 

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TRex is a 60-million-year-old theropod who enjoys terrorizing trailer parks, stomping his enemies, and eating things that get in his way or annoy him. He is single and looking for a new boyfriend. He's 60 feet tall, green, with delicate forelimbs, large, sharp teeth, and a lengthy tail. Turn-ons include political activism, bashing conservatives, and volcanoes. Turn-offs are vegetarians, right-wing blogs, and killer asteroids.