Know the Code!
There's been a great deal of shocked, shocked murmuring yet again by The Usual Suspects over the terrible incivility in the world of political bloggers — especially, it is implied, that part of the world inhabited by the non-righty bloggers.
Since we're all supposed to learn from our right-wing brethren and cistern about the wonders of morality, I am pleased as punch that Media Matters has put out this handy list of America's great public conservative moralists, along with representative samples of their pithy insights.
Fellow progressives, I urge you to study these sterling upholders of the Right-Wing Media Talker's Code:
First and foremost, we have the man who was the direct beneficiary of the overturning in 1987 of the wicked and secular-humanistic Fairness Doctrine, the father of right-wing gab radio and the spiritual ancestor of FOX News, Rush Limbaugh! The man who once told an African-American caller to "take the bone out of your nose" is still sharing his heartwarming observations on the races with us all; on a recent show in February, Mister Talent On Loan From God took issue with a Reuters report on a University of Chicago study that found that "a majority of young blacks feel alienated from today's government" when he commented: "Why would that be? The government's been taking care of them their whole lives." And in August of last year, he famously explained to viewers of the CBS reality show Survivor that blacks were bad swimmers and that Hispanics would do anything to win.
But of course Rush, pioneer in right-wing ethical standards-setting that he is, is not quite cutting-edge any more. For the past few years, FOX News' Bill O'Reilly has been leading the way in bringing conservative morality to America, particularly through our TV screens. Watch O'Reilly show us the wise, well-informed compassion he brings to everything he does, as he informs the female mayor of Virginia Beach, Virginia that her true career lies in baking pies. Career counseling was never so much fun — or so well grounded in bedrock Republican morality! O'Reilly also shows his expertise as a travel agent and defender of Christmas from the
Jews Hollywood liberals, exhorting a Jewish caller to his show to "go to Israel" rather than remain in the US. And who could forget his expert snap diagnosis of the mental state of kidnapping victim Shawn Hornbeck?
While Bill O'Reilly may be today's leading exponent of the right-wing way of knowledge, Neal Boortz is a promising up-and-comer who has toiled in the fields of the conservative fringe until getting his big media break relatively recently. Once a speechwriter for the
segregationist bigoted jackass great patriotic American Lester Maddox, Boortz shows that the intervening years have not tempered his passionate stances on racial, religious and gender matters. Marvel at his tasteful and conservatively-correct observations on Cynthia McKinney's hairstyle! Thrill as he sets straight that impudent hussy of a Gold Star Mother Cindy Sheehan — and gets in a few licks at Muslims, too! Gasp at his charming audacity as he muscles in on O'Reilly's career-counselor turf, urging a female victim of Hurricane Katrina to become a prostitute! Stand up and cheer as he gets in even more licks on Muslims! Truly a great conservative man.
Compared to these three giants of the right-wing, Glenn Beck is a comparative tyro, being still in his early forties. But he's already shown that he's not willing to concede anything to the Old Masters when it comes to the espousal of conservative doctrine. Watch his courteous and always-civil interview with Keith Ellison, in which not a single cuss word (so beloved of those uncivil liberal bloggers!) passes his lips. Beck shows his excellent range with a tour-de-force synopsis of Hillary Clinton, yet another takedown of those goldarn immoral Muslims, and a Boortzian chastising of Katrina victims and 9/11 families.
I know what you're saying: "But where's Ann Coulter?" Fear not, my little chickadees, America's most famous fibber about her age is on this list. Recently, she took that dangerously-well-groomed John Edwards to task, alerting him to the dangers of having a good haircut. Not to be outdone by Glenn Beck in the chastising of 9/11 widows, Coulter cuts loose with a moral authority that could have only come from such time-honored conservative stalwarts as John Derbyshire and Westbrook Pegler.
Next, we have George Will's spiritual child, the Heir to the Bow Tie himself, Tucker Carlson. When he isn't upbraiding Canadians over their moral and mental inferiority to Americans, he's informing us all about the secret cabal of mustachioed feminists that run the Democratic Party. He also
can sometimes manage to seem sane if you don't listen too hard has broad mainstream appeal, which — combined no doubt with constant pressure from all the right groups, has got him a nice little gig with CBS. (At least until the show dies for lack of ratings.)
Finally, what list of great conservative American moralists would be complete without the addition of Michael Savage? The former Michael Weiner has managed to overcome his
Jewishness East Coast upbringing and be a true force for anti-Semitic screechings principled conservatism. He shows his moral forcefulness when he casts bizarre and unwarranted aspersions on various media personalities.
There you have it, my friends: Our moral superiors, showing us and the world what makes them so much better than us. Doesn't it just make you want to embrace the conservative code? Like, really, really hard, anaconda style?