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Late Nite FDL: The Chocolate Jesus Manifesto

my sweet lord

NOTE: Bill Donohue and his death-threatening, hate-spewing huns have managed to intimidate the hotel that was going to display artist Cosimo Cavallaro's life-size milk-chocolate rendition of the crucifixion, entitled "My Sweet Lord".  The show has been cancelled and Cavallaro is trying to find a new venue.  Anderson Cooper had the artist and violent, crypto-Catholic sociopath Donohue on his show to discuss what Donohue calls, "the worst assault on Christianity, like, EVER!"  Apparently, Billy Demento sees no conflict of interest in his profession of Christian faith and alluding to breaking Cavallaro's fingers and cutting off his head.  Then, he freaks out that maybe Cavallero was going to let people actually EAT the sculpture, God forbid.  That would be barbaric!  Except that I seem to remember going up to the altar rail once a week growing up to be fed the body and blood of Jesus.  Did I get that part wrong?  But anyway, in the spirit of Wrong-Way Malkin's cool new club of Nazi block-watchers, I thought we should start our own club.  Our manifesto is as follows.

Dear Talibangelical Christian Terrorist/Censor/Supporter/Apologist,

You do not know me, but I am on the lookout for you.  I am your enemy.  And you are mine.

I am Chocolate Jesus.

I am in your homeowners' association, I am on your plane, I am writing for your magazine, I am a parent at your childrens' school, I am on your editorial board, and I am your coworker.

I am Chocolate Jesus. 

I will never forget that this nation was founded on religious and personal freedom, that the United States is not a theocracy, and that we have no monolithic national faith.   

I will never forget your attempts to force your religious superstitions into the public sphere.  I will always remember your crusades to pollute our government with a bunch of moralistic hogwash, and the billions of dollars every year that go uncollected in taxes on corporate christianity, not to mention the thousands of legislative hours that have been wasted as you have sought to impose your Medieval prejudices on American law.

I am Chocolate Jesus.

I will never forget the humiliating defeats you have suffered in your efforts to subvert science and teach fairy tales as fact in public schools.  I will fight you to see that my childrens' education is untainted by religionist dogma.  I will fight your attempts to burn books, silence oppositon, and reduce the choices of every person in America.

I will never forget your murder of abortion providers, I will never forgive your gay-bashing, your race-hating, and your assaults on the reproductive freedoms of women.  I will never falter in this fight.  I will never make the mistake of thinking that you are rational, reasoning, or worth listening to at all.  You are ideological poison, and it is my duty as a conscientious citizen to fight your brainwashing, ridicule your distortions, and counter your violent threats.

You are my country's real terrorists.  You are American jihadi.  You are my sworn enemies and I will fight you for my rights and for equal protection under the law until the day I die.  If you want to try to silence me, then you better plan on killing me, because as long as I have a voice, I will be using it to fight you.  This is my country, founded by a bunch of people who didn't want to be told how to worship God.

And we're going to keep it that way.  I will resist all attempts to impose faux-Christian law in my schools, at my church, at work, on the Internet, at the public pool, and in all the areas of my town.  You can do whatever you want in your church, but I will fight until my knuckles bleed to make sure your church stays at church and out of my government and for fuck's sake, out of my bedroom. 

I am Chocolate Jesus. 

I will not submit to your will.  I will not be intimidated.





Eat me. 

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TRex is a 60-million-year-old theropod who enjoys terrorizing trailer parks, stomping his enemies, and eating things that get in his way or annoy him. He is single and looking for a new boyfriend. He's 60 feet tall, green, with delicate forelimbs, large, sharp teeth, and a lengthy tail. Turn-ons include political activism, bashing conservatives, and volcanoes. Turn-offs are vegetarians, right-wing blogs, and killer asteroids.