Face the Snark
© Steve Bell (courtesy The Guardian Unlimited)
for the week ending 1/13/07:
Oh, the cascade of tears. Like the monsoons of India, like the
Pleiades Perseid meteor showers, like Bush's poll numbers, the literal and metaphoric tears fell. Admitting that "mistakes have been made" (by other people), automaton Bush was cryin' on the inside during his "Escalation to the Rapture" speech on Wednesday night. Why oh why won't anyone let him be all the dictator he can be?
The following morning, Condi Rice bristled and glowered and then dashed to the ladies' room to dab away her saline emissions after the Senate drilled her several new orifices. That old meanie, Barbara Boxer! How dare she insinuate that Rice was the Bush Administration's Lady MacBeth who refused to contemplate the impact this latest escalation would have on the actual people fighting her "husband's" vanity war? How dare that little pipsqueak of a Senator raise the fact that "Madame Secretary" had no family to speak of? (Apparently, it matters not to the Condiphiles that Laura Bush had said pretty much the same thing to People Magazine back in December, when she patronizingly poo-pooed the idea of Condi for President.) Why, Boxer was just one step away from calling her a barren lesbian!
And while "Madame Secretary" was valiantly trying to defend the virtues of "augmentation" in the face of bipartisan hostile fire, Bush, in a performance that would make Stella Adler plotz, squeezed out a solitary, dramatic tear as he clutched a widowed photo op's hand and bowed his head at a Medal of Honor ceremony, right before he seized the opportunity to turn the event into a stump speech for his "Fuck You" to the Iraq Study Group, the Congress, the American people, and the world. I suspect he was drawing upon his disappointment that his BFF Joe Lieberman had donned his kneepads for another man, Maverick McCain.
Then there was Mitch McConnell. Like Davy Crockett facing a bunch of exceedingly pissed off Mexicans, McConnell stood bravely before the cameras on Thursday. He thrust out his undershot chin and declared that if the war opponents were not going to sign on to the President's latest "clap for Tinkerbell" plan, then they should do Bush's job and come up with a better escape . . . um, exit . . . strategy. I'm a little saddened that he didn't point a finger at the Democrats and sneer with John Wayne flinty machismo, "Step down off your high horse, Mister. You don't get lard unless you boil the hog!"
Oh, with all of the Bush Administration (and Mitch McConnell) weeping and gnashing of teeth, it was truly a week in which to invest in shares of Kleenex. Now if someone can hand me the smelling salts, I'll be on my fainting couch.
Side note: It was a good week for Joe Lieberman, though. Jerkin' Jowls got his Homeland Security Committee chair, a shout out from his ex-BFF during a nationally televised speech for his superlative fellatio skills AND he got to reneg on his campaign promise to expose the BushCo. Katrina disaster cover-up. All in a day's work for Joe Lieberman (I-LIE).
The hardest workin' man in the blogosphere, Rising Hegemon's Attaturk, gives us "Operation, The Next Generation." Remove funny bone – Ha. Ha. Ha. Attaturk also turned my attention to this infuriating article in Radar. While hardly snark, it does make you want to stock up on nitrous oxide just to get through the day.
Norbizness at Happy Furry Puppy Story Time rewrites the President's "Crush, Kill, Destroy" speech. Dude's en fuego this week. Stranger at Blah3 tracks down Presidential speechifying haikus. Freakin' funny.
Scott at World O' Crap provides an almost annoying thorough analysis of the Doughy Pantload's defense of The One More Last Chance We Mean It This Time Plan. Two points to Scott for pointing out that finally, Bush is the Uniter. Seventy percent of the American population think he's a douchebag.
The Kenosha Kid proves that the al-Maliki government is serious about providing assistance to the U.S.
As per usual, The Rude Pundit's opening salvo on l'affaire du Loserman is "fuckin' cherry": "Annoying as it is, it's not surprising that Senator Joseph Lieberman is supporting the President's escalation of the Iraq war with all the breathless enthusiasm of a Kansas drag queen on her first visit to Fire Island."
Another Republican '08 presidential hopeful, Rudy Giuliani (stop laughing! He's serious!), has a plan to stabilize Iraq. Roy Edroso at alicublog performs the emergency vivisection. Tom Burka at Opinions You Should Have envisions the Bush Surging Augmentation as a competitive product rollout.
Gordon at Alternative Brain highlights an underreported fact about Bush's little Georgia peach of a photo op. Be forewarned – it'll piss you off mightily. And in that regard, check out the jaw-dropping "say WHAT?" White House spokesblonde Dana Perino uttered, courtesy of Bitch, Ph.D.
Mike Stark has been one of the superheroes in Spocko's fight against Disney snuff radio station, KSFO 560 AM. He gives a play-by-play of their delusional broadcast on Friday at Calling All Wingnuts. You can also read the liveblogging at Sinfonian's Blast Off!
And while we're on the subject of free speech advocacy, Steve M. at No More Mister Nice Blog connects some disturbing dots about the new hotness in the wingnutsphere.
Jon Swift provides the obituary for wingnut emeritus Michael Ledeen.
A tip of the hat to freshman Representative Wu who, as Commandante Agi at This Blog Will Self-Destruct in Five Seconds suggests, needs to consider clarifying his Star Trek talking points before he takes to the House floor.
Sadly, No!'s Retardo Montalban hands John Podhoretz a bottle of Nair and tells him to get to work.
I'm Not One to Blog's George is horrified to learn that the "TMX" in "TMX Elmo" stands for "Too Much Ecstasy".
I'd seen pictures of the Killer Rabbit, but I didn't know the guy was breeding it! Thanks to NYMary of PowerPop for this early Easter "tail" while Harry Hutton at Chase Me Ladies, In in the Cavalry provides this week's Moment of "Quoi?".