Face the Snark
for the week ending 1/6/07:
Sssshh. Don't tell anyone and don't ask me how I got my hands on it, but I have a draft copy of Bush's upcoming speech on his latest new strategy for victory in Iraq. So without further ado, let's get to it.
Good afternoon. As you all know, I held important meetings last December to talk about the situation in Iraq. I went on a listening tour to hear what different areas of government had to say about
my legacythe establishment of democracy in Iraq. We had productive discussions about how I'll blame the Democratsour shared duty to forge a bipartisan approach to succeed in the Middle East. I even worked during my Christmas vacation to make sure that we had a plan for a strategy to succeed in Iraq. [pause here for laughs]
The American people need to understand that the Iraqi people want us to succeed, and that a successful Iraq means that we're safer here in the United States. Iraq is in a vital region of the world and the security of the American people depend on victory in Iraq. And we've
gotten off to a good start withseen the Iraqis make their own way with the execution of the man who tried to kill my dadkilled his own people, Saddam Hussein.
I asked the generals on the ground for advice and I
ignoredlistened to what they had to say. I met with Prime Minister Tony Blair and one of Iraq's most influential Shia leaders, His Eminence Abdul Casey al KasemAziz al Hakim. I met with the Iraq Study Group chaired by former family friendSecretary of State James Baker and former Congressman Lee GrantHamilton and read their book. I dog-eared the pages where I could twist their words [laughs].I seriously considered their recommendations and I appreciate all their hard work and bipartisanship.
I heard from
nearly everyonethe Democrat leadership that I need to consider ways to draw down our troops because otherwise the Iraqis will hide behind our skirtshave no impetus to stand up. It was real interesting, what they said. I wdon't agree with this perspective. I believe that we need to increase our presentspresence in the region, because, in one of my favoritethe leading statements of the Iraq Study Group's report, they write that leaving would "almost certainly produce greater sectarian violence" and lead to "a significant power vacuum, greater human suffering, regional destabilization, and a threat to the global economy." See, the withdrawal of troops would also expose our energy resources to terrorists and sectarians. It's very important to my friendsour national economy that we have no disruptions in the flow of oil and not be held hostage by foreign oil companiesterrorists.
Generals Abizaid and Casey disagreed with my idea of a troop surge and told me that our military is stretched to the breaking point. That we don't have enough ready reserves to call up for any kind of sustained presence in Iraq. Both General Abizaid and General Casey did a heckuva job in Iraq, but after we talked,
I told them they were fired if they didn't tell me what I wanted to hearthey announced their retirements. As you know they have been replaced by two fabulous guys, Admiral William Fallon, whose experience in the Pacific will provide a new and novel approach to the position of head of U.S. forces in the Middle East, and Army Lieutenant General David Petraeus, who has done such a great job training Iraqi security forces, will be the top American general in Iraq.
Both Admiral Fallon and General Petraeus
said the right wordsthink that increasing troop numbers is, in the long term, the solution to calming the sectarian violence. Therefore, I am calling for a surge of at least 20,000 troops over the next several months to protect our intereststhe people in Iraq and the Middle East region. In addition, I'll be asking Congress for $1 billion to provide jobs for Dick Cheney Halliburtonthe Iraqi people to better involve them in the growth of their country.
Thank you, and now I'll take questions.
We're never going to be able to leave Iraq so long as Bush is in office. As James Wolcott says:
From the invasion of Iraq to the present disarray, President Bush's learning curve has been a flat line of fatal error followed by fatal error.
Kerry at 100 Monkeys Typing analyzes
Karen Hughes' Karl Rove's the President's "cotton candy and unicorns" editorial in the Wall Street Journal. And NTodd at Dohiyi Mir reminds Bush that he wasn't exactly "dignified" at Karla Faye Tucker's execution; The Kenosha Kid suggests recruiting ideas for that surge.
Oh, jeez. White House counsel and resident cosmetics expert Harriet Miers submitted her resignation last week. Attaturk at Rising Hegemon gets a sneak peak at her upcoming tell-all memoirs. And while Miers never got the chance to swap eyeliner techniques with The Frying Dutchman, Lawyers, Guns and Money's Scott Lemieux finally understands the late Chief Justice Rehnquist's concurrence in Bush v. Gore.
The Democrats returned to power in Congress, and suddenly, the Republicans are whining about being mistreated. Norbizness at Happy Furry Puppy Story Time strains the sniveling through "The Simpsons" filter, and Bring It On!'s Steve O. crystalizes the moment in one big "WAAAAAAAH!"
But that wasn't as loud as the shrieks coming from the right wingnutosphere when they found out that Keith Ellison was going to be sworn in on Thomas Jefferson's copy of the Koran. TBogg submits his nomination for most insanely stupid quote of the week, while Sir Oolius at She Flies With Her Own Wings asks Dennis Prager to take the moral relativity test.
Jesus' General requests that Moqtada al-Sadr fix the Medicare donut hole.
Brilliant at Breakfast's Jill has a few choice words for the walking ebola virus Glenn Beck on behalf of the residents of New York City. And speaking of crazy people, how about that Pat Robertson? Heywood J. at Hammer of the Blogs tells the Prophet for the Batshit Insane to STFU already.
Things have gotten mighty quiet over at the Batshit Insane Anchor Baby's site since the revelation that Jamil Hussein, the Iraqi eyewitness to the Shi'ite burning of Sunnis, is a real person. Brad R. at Sadly, No! wonders how Malkin will slither out of taking the blame for revealing the identity of Hussein, who is now languishing in prison for telling the truth.
No More Mister Nice Blog's Steve M. marvels at the sexual psyche of Republicans, while some blogger who goes by the nym Darkblack has a rather entertaining graphic of the new Speaker of the House. Now if only someone would give Virgil Goode that treatment. Deborah at If I Ran The Zoo explains.
Clif at Outside the Tent can't quite believe that Pammycakes would buy into the long-discredited email that compared FEMA's response to Colorado snowstorms to post-Katrina New Orleans, but then again . . . . And Mock, Paper, Scissors' Tengrain finds a NOLA story that will curdle your blood.
d r i f t g l a s s provides the most comprehensive exegesis on troll behavior I've seen to date. A human Wikipedia, that driftglass.
Oh, and by the way — did you know that Gerald Ford died?