Face the Snark
for the week ending 12/9/06:
WASHINGTON – In an emotional farewell at the Pentagon, Donald H. Rumsfeld said Friday the worst day of his nearly six years as secretary of defense occurred when he learned of the Abu Ghraib prison abuse.
Speaking to a gathering of employees 10 days before he is to leave office, Rumsfeld defended his record on Iraq and Afghanistan and warned of "dire consequences were we to fail" in the war.
So, while George Bush was giving the finger to the Old Guard of the Iraq Study Group, the Democratic and a goodly portion of the Republican parties, the armed forces, 70% or so of the American population, and the rest of the world, Donald Rumsfeld was throwing himself a pity party at the Pentagon in which the Pecksniffian SecDef recalled one or two "bad days" he suffered during his tenure, by golly.
"Clearly, the worst day was Abu Ghraib, seeing what went on there and feeling so deeply sorry that that happened," he said without hesitation. The scandal in the spring of 2004 involving an Iraq prison triggered worldwide condemnation and prompted Rumsfeld to twice offer his resignation to President Bush.
Not content to exit stage right and go quietly into the night, Rumsfeld donned his revealing bodystocking and embarked on his own version of Cher's Farewell Tour, stopping short (but not by much) of mounting and straddling the aft guns to belt out "If I Could Turn Back Time." During a surprise trip to Iraq, Rumsfeld continued his public display of "woe is me, poor, trodden-upon Secretary of Defense."
"Because this conflict is new and unfamiliar and complex, it is understandable that there will be differences about the direction our country should take," he said. "These public debates may be heated or even nasty. But that's not new . . . I can say that it has always been so, and particularly during wartime."
I hear he's going to be at the Bellagio in Vegas next month for a limited engagement.
David at The Supreme Irony of Life finds the perfect quote to sum up both Bush's and Rumsfeld's performances this week.
Last time out, Podhoretz criticized the Group because they were, like, rilly old ("Baker, Hamilton and their crew of old Washington hands [and I mean old, like Metheuselah-level old]… Its members also reached a consensus view that Depends is a really fine brand of adult diaper, and that they love reruns of 'Murder, She Wrote'"). Now he compares them to Paris Hilton — not because the Group is in any way Paris Hiltonian (and, to my great disappointment, Podhoretz doesn't attempt even a throwaway simile, e.g. "Like Paris Hilton, the ISG has a little dog and is known for promiscuity"), but because Paris Hilton is supposed to be No Good, and though no actual reader — indeed, no one who knows how to read — will laugh at tropes like, "As Paris would say, that analysis is hot," Post editors/informants will see that Podhoretz stuck to the formula — belittle the ISG in terms that even mentally-retarded readers can comprehend — and permit him to remain at his sinecure.
While Rumsfeld's Scarlett O'Hara "tomorrow is another day" speech ranks high on driftglass 's hit parade, it's still not Number One.
uggabugga's Quiddity discovers scant difference between a blatant joke and . . . well, what passes for a good idea for wingnuts.
Nobizness itemizes the myriad ways "The Left" has systematically destroyed all that is good and pure about the Motherland.
Jesus' General, who will be here in the flesh later on today, has created a mini-documentary that is Sundance-worthy.
Thanks to a nagging cough, TBogg hocks a loogie at Hugh Hewitt, "warrior on the front lines of terrorism, in his office in the Empire State Building."
Holden at First Draft must have to seriously medicate in order to parse the President's press conferences.
Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Nachos' Thrilhous makes a pretty stunning photographic comparison of prison detainees.
It's no secret that The Corner's Kathryn Jean Lopez isn't exactly the best judge of character. Kerry at 100 Monkeys Typing notes K-Lo's latest crush. Oy vey.
Speaking of the The Corner's resident chuckleheads, the Doughy Pantload warrants a major "STFU" from Rising Hegemon's Dr. Atta J. Turk.
You want self-defeating? P O'Neill at Best of Both Worlds takes note of Tony Snow's latest "Duh!" moment, while Rants From the Rookery's ellroon has a pretty straightforward request for the incoming Democrats.
Tengrain at Media Needle provides the latest graphic representation of Dubya's ongoing battle with the 12-step program.
Cenk Uygur at The Smirking Chimp asks us to contemplate whether it's possible for anyone to be less intellectually curious than our current President. It's a scary thought. There's more psychoanalysis of the Chimperator over at The Carpetbagger Report.
And for those of you who are looking for Ph.D. dissertation ideas: the irony of Mary Cheney's "iimmoral conception" is not lost on Agitprop's Tata.
I don't know what mailing lists Scott at World O' Crap found himself on, but if it weren't for his willingtness to actually read his spam, fellow citizens of planet Earth wouldn't be able to ask themselves: "Am I a passive purple four ball?" Really, the entire week at W-O-C is chock-a-block with snarky goodness. It was a hard call to pick just one.
And because I always feel it's necessary to end on a bang, and not a whimper — yes, the horror that is Donald Rumsfeld dressed as Cher was a result of the colliding of two very twisted minds — mine and attaturk's. You can see additional results of these demonic collaborations here and here.