Face the Snark
For the week ending 11/18/06:
The election and Rumsfeld's resignation were a major event, but not the end of the world. The war on terror goes on without interruption. Jennifer Griffin sent in info on Hamas' call for attacks on American interests. And let's be on the lookout for any statements from the Iraqi insurgents, who must be thrilled at the prospect of a Dem-controlled congress.
– Internal memo at Fox News (emphasis added)
To: All national and local news correspondents
From: RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman
I understand that you are all anxious to report on the results of last week's midterm elections in a clear, unambiguously partisan fashion. Therefore, in order to expedite coverage in a timely and balanced manner, I am appending a non-exclusive list of directions that you may follow to best highlight the wins and almost-wins in the House and Senate. Please don't hesitate to expand this list.
1. Do not refer to the Democrat Party's numerous successes as a "mandate for change" or as "evidence of America's disgust with the Republican agenda." Only a Republican win by a single vote can constitute an overwhelming defeat for that candidate's opponent.
2. Do not report on any and all "swiftboating" of Jack Murtha (D-Pa). Yes, he's a highly decorated veteran of Vietnam, but that's irrelevant. He's solidly anti-war. He was nominated by Nancy Pelosi for Majority Leader in the House, and he turned down a bribe during the Abscam scandal of . . . well, it happened before most of you were born, so don't worry about it.
3. In re: Nancy Pelosi — she is to be referred to as: witch, harridan, harpy, fishmonger's wife, shrew, lightweight, girl, San Francisco liberal, amateur, emotionally unstable, Democrats' Kali, she-devil, etc. Under no circumstances should you report on her substantive decisions or actions; instead, note what she is wearing, whether or not the designer label is foreign, and demean her hairstyle and skin tone. She is, after all, a woman, and is physically and mentally incapable of making political decisions, unless such decisions can be turned against the Democrat party in general. Also, if possible, compare her fashion choices to those of Laura Bush and Kaye Bailey Hutchinson, two classically fashionable Republican women.
4. Underscore this point: the Democrats are in disarray. I note with great satisfaction that many of you remembered this point from 2002 and 2004, and despite the fact that the Democrats held an election to appoint their Speaker and Majority Leader as has been done for every election past, downplay the fact that Mrs. Pelosi was unanimously voted in and emphasize the fact that her choice for Majority Leader, the above-mentioned Jack Murtha, put her directly at odds with the Democrats who backed Steny Hoyer. Not even a week after they took control of both houses of Congress, the Democrats are at each others' throats. (P.S. You'll get better seats to next year's White House Correspondents' dinner if you can work "catfight" into any stories about Mrs. Pelosi's "struggle" to lead the House.)
5. Give James Carville as much air time as you possibly can. He's really one of us. Rahm Emanuel is, as the kids say, "the new hotness." Ignore DNC Chair Howard Dean's "50 State Strategy" and focus solely on the losses suffered from following Immanuel's tack of pouring millions into a few races.
As you all know by now, I will be stepping down as RNC chair at the end of this year. I can say with great confidence that my replacement, Mel Martinez, will do his very best to marginalize the Democrats. He's shown great promise already by bringing the Terry Schiavo story to the public's eye. I'll miss you all, but remember: you can always find me at Omega, where I perform my Ethel Merman catalogue on Wednesdays.
So it seems that Republicans' appointment for minority whip by one vote is mandatier* than the unanimous election of Nancy Pelosi to Speaker of the House. I guess that's what happens when you've convinced the media to imbibe the Kool Aid. But will the Dems learn to combat the entrenched prejudice? Lance Mannion beseeches the Democrats to start at the beginning:
There are lots of good reasons to like Nancy Pelosi for Speaker of the House, but one of them is not her commanding television presence.
. . .
"Can we please, please, please, just once, have a public face for the Party that isn't a that of Class Treasurer?"
To all Class Treasurers, nothing personal. I was treasurer of our high school drama club. At the time I was 5 foot 7, weighed 120 lbs, never knew where my arms and legs were going, and while I had a fairly clear complexion for a teenager, when I did get a zit, it was always a large, red, angry one right on the tip of my nose.
What I'm saying is that the Democrats do not need one more representative going before the TV cameras and reminding the whole country of a 17 year old smartypants who could handle the bookkeeping.
Pudentilla over at Skippy the Bush Kangaroo heaves a heavy sigh at the media savaging of Nancy Pelosi's elevation to Speaker. Maru at WTF Is It Now? contemplates the alternative to "San Francisco liberal". [ed. note: Maru's post is actually above the sight line. Scroll up at the top of the page.]
Hecate makes her post-election list and checks it twice.
Charles Pierce utters two words that should never EVER be placed in proximity to one another, lest I projectile vomit my liberal commie latte: "Jonah Goldberg" and "sex." Speaking of the Doughy Pantload, Roger Ailes (no, not that one) contemplates a career as the Pantload's ghost writer. And Steve M. at No More Mister Nice Blog summons up another fairly heinous combination.
I don't know if they took the brown tabs over at The Corner, but as alicublog's Roy notes, K-Lo, Pantload and the Pod are fucking delusional.
Y'know, Will Bunch, you're not gonna have Rick Santorum to kick around for much longer. Just sayin'.
The Editors' latest installment of Keyboard Kommandos Komics is, quite frankly, the reincarnation of greatness. And it's really, really trippy.
I'm sorry. I just had to link to this one from Retardo Montalban at Sadly, No! for the incredibly telling screen grab. Retardo, I adore you. General J.C. Christian, whom I also adore, pens a patented "Jesus' General" letter to the doyenne of Atlas Juggs.
The Humor Gazette's John Breneman reports on George Bush's first visit to Vietnam.
Happy Furry Puppy Storytime's Norbizness pulls the covers up over his head until January 1, 2007.
Well, whaddya know. Joe Lieberman's not even waiting for January to cozy up to the Republicans. TBogg provides a knee to Loserman's groin.
Oh, the irony, it BURRRRRRRNS! The Rude Pundit revisits Rumsfeld's speech to the eager naifs at Kansas State University. We are talking some serious dementia.
SteveAudio has one word for George Walker Bush, 43rd President of the United States: LOOOOOOOSER!
Scribes over at Martini Republic codifies the latest addition to Webster's (coined right here at FDL).
[* Technically, this link is one day too old for inclusion in the week's round-up, but while I was writing last week's post, I was momentarily distracted, being a girl and all, by something shiny and sparkly, and forgot to use it. I think it's funny, so screw the rules.]