Face the Snark
for the week ending 10/21/06
Hola! Omnipresent One here, back for another lecture on responsibility and choice. I understand that over the past 2000 years or so, you people have managed to get the whole "God's Will vs. free will" thing ass backwards. You do realize, don't you, that I've got an entire universe to run, and that I don't get my jollies micromanaging every sentient being on your planet. Just because I'm the Almighty doesn't mean you can avoid responsibility for your actions by pointing an accusatory finger at me. I know I certainly didn't will the old guy with the funny hat to wear red Prada shoes with a green tablecloth. And if some rich idiot son supposedly gives up drinking because he likes the cut of my jib, that's his choice. I must admit, it would've been nice if he actually gave up the drink like he promised, but I digress.
Look, I'm the Creator, not the Facilitator. I don't spend my days whispering in the ears of football players, televangelists or world leaders. Why, you ask? (I know you're asking, trust me on this.) Because it's not my management style . . . well, Moses aside — that was a one-off. I owed him big time for dumping that hottie, Nefertiri. Also, it sets a really bad precedent. I talk to one world leader, then the next thing you know, somebody else is alleging that I told him something opposite and the whole thing spirals out of control faster than a George Allen press conference. And do NOT get me started on that guy.
All that being said, when I heard Bush declaring that I told him his role in life was to defeat terrorism and promote democracy through crusades in the Middle East, and that General Pace person claiming that I was behind his boss' decisions about the clusterfuck, pardon my French, in Mesopotamia, I knew I was eventually going to have to intervene. I don't ordinarily do this, but frankly, I'm just getting really tired of the power-grabs, hypocrisy and whining in My name coming from the chuckleheads running your country.
So here's the deal I'm offering: George Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, and their buddies Condi Rice, Alberto Gonzales and the rest are going to have to answer to the Pelosi posse after November 7 and all of the attendant investigations that such a change in leadership might encourage, if you follow my drift *cough*Watergate*cough*. Note, please, that I'm going to leave war profiteer Dick Cheney to my old roommate, Satan. He'll know what to do with him. In return, stop acting like such babies! Own up to your mistakes and make some kind of effort not to repeat them. Learn how to say, "Sorry, my bad." And stop with the hiding out in rehab centers; you're not fooling anyone.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some galaxies to whip up. Those NASA people are so easily entertained.
Ah, the whiff of Republican desperation. An open carton of 3 week-old curdled milk smells better. This very public exhibition of spontaneous combustion by Republican candidates might explain why the RNC hauled out the increasingly petulant Bush to campaign and high-kick like a drunken chorine, and to sit down for "serious" interviews with the likes of Bill Orally.
And only the Rude Pundit can withstand such an interview and sum it up thusly:
Watching O'Reilly interview Bush is like watching a horny mongoose hump a steering wheel.
Steve Soto at The Left Coaster posits some perfectly valid questions for the Chimperor. Makes no never mind that they're rhetorical.
Sadly, No!'s Brad R. disembowels the Administration's plan to replace the democratically elected Iraqi government.
BooMan at his Booman Tribune reflects on the Republican pretzelesque response to a Pelosi-led House.
The Omnipotent Poobah of Snark, James Wolcott, hunkered down in his new hunting lodge, has The Corner's K-Lo (Kathryn Jean Lopez, a/k/a the future seventh Mrs. Mitt Romney) in the cross-hairs. I could keep going with that reference, but I think it's best for all parties involved if I stop right now. Instead, I'll just point you to Rising Hegemon's Attaturk, who suffers a minor mind-meld with Wolcott.
Meanwhile, over at the Dirksen Senate Office Building:
TBogg outdoes himself lampooning Rick "Gamgee" Santorum's "Eye of Mordor" speech, while August J. Pollack, cartoonist extraordinaire (and so young…sigh), sees no real need to panic if, heaven forfend, Lieberman wins. TAPPED's Charles Pierce reviews Joe Klein's valentine to Barack Obama. DB, over at Skippy the Bush Kangaroo, offers candidate Tom Kean, Jr. a shoulder to cry on. And as far as Senate dick jokes go, Richie McWhite at Little Green Fascists makes me chortle like Beavis and/or Butthead.
Finally, Steve O. at Bring it On! reveals the secret behind Stephen Colbert's "You're On Notice" board. Now everybody's going to want one.