Raising Santorum

Well… it sure ain’t “Ozzie and Harriet.”

Rick Santorum, who will soon be spending a lot of time around the house watching old movies, has recently taken to talking about all of his positions by referencing popular movies.

On the war in Iraq:

“As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the Eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else,” Santorum told a newspaper editorial board. “It’s being drawn to Iraq and it’s not being drawn to the U.S. You know what? I want to keep it on Iraq. I don’t want the Eye to come back here to the United States.”

On terrorist attacks in the US:

HH: In Pennsylvania, the counter-attack began in Pennsylvania, in the skies over Pennsylvania.

RS: Flight 93.

HH: Flight 93. And if people remember the wonderful and amazing movie, Deer Hunter, in Western Pennsylvania, there was an understanding of the war even then. It was a controversial movie, and people can have…but this has never been other than a hyper-patriotic state.

Because Rick needs all the help he can get, I thought I would provide him with some handy cinema talking points for any possible questions that might come up.

On Abortion:

Say that reminds me, how’d you get that kid so darn fast? Me and Dot went in to adopt on account a’ somethin’ went wrong with my semen, and they said we had to wait five years for a healthy white baby. I said, “Healthy white baby? Five years? What else you got?” Said they got two Koreans and a negra born with his heart on the outside. It’s a crazy world.

On pre-war intelligence:

That’s you’re forte, ain’t it? Chasing down crooks and Commies and shit. That’s you’re whole Goddamn raison d’etre ain’t it?

On popular culture:

And this here’s the TV. Two hours a day, either educational or football, so you don’t ruin your appreciation of the finer things.

National Amber Alert:

Nathan Arizona Sr.: Dammit, are you boys gonna chase down your leads or are you gonna sit drinkin’ coffee in the one house in the state where I know my boy ain’t at?


Policeman in Arizona house: What did the pyjamas look like?
Nathan Arizona Sr.: I don’t know – they were jammies! They had Yodas’n shit on ’em!

On bipartisanship:

There’s right and there’s right and never the t’wain shall meet.

On the minimum wage:

Policeman: Do you have any disgruntled employees?

Nathan Arizona Sr.: Hell, they’re all disgruntled. I aint running no damn daisy farm. My motto is “Do it my way or watch your butt!”

On unemployment:

H.I., you’re young and you got your health, what you want with a job?

On taxes:

All right, boy, I guess you got a reward coming. Twenty-five thousand dollars. Or, if you need home furnishings, I can give you a line of credit at any of my stores. In fact, that’s the way I’d rather handle it. Tax reasons.

On stay at home moms:

Gale: Why ain’t you breast-feeding? You appear to be capable.
Ed McDonnough: Mind your own bid’ness.
Evelle: Ma’am, you don’t breast-feed him, he’ll hate you for it later. That’s why we wound up in prison.
Gale: Anyway, that’s what Doc Schwartz tells us.

On gay marriage:

H.I.: A man for a husband.
Ed McDonnough: That ain’t no answer.
H.I.: Honey, that’s the only answer.

On gay adoption:

Biology and the prejudices of others conspired to keep us childless

On the place of God in the public square:

H.I.: Do you ever get the feeling that there’s something… Powerful pressing down on you?
Glen: Yes, I know that feeling. I told Dot to lose some weight but she don’t wanna listen

On the future of America:

If not Arizona, then a land not too far away. Where all parents are strong and wise and capable. And all children are happy and beloved. I don’t know. Maybe it was Utah.

He can write me a thank you note later when he has some spare time.

Mid-November I suspect…

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Yeah. Like I would tell you....