Gitmo is going to need some fishbowls.
Really big fishbowls.

It’ll take an army of Bassmasters to stop us

In his conversation with Bill O’Reilly (apparently all of the real journalists were booked up or might ask something unscripted or something) President George W. Bush played coy when it came to how we extract information from random brown people we pick up for no reason terrorists:

O’REILLY: Is water boarding torture?

BUSH: I don’t want to talk about techniques. And — but I do share the American people that we were within the law. And we don’t torture. We — I’ve said all along to the American people we won’t torture, but we need to be in a position where we can interrogate these people.

O’REILLY: But if the public doesn’t know what torture is or is not, as defined by the Bush administration, how can the public make a decision on whether your policy is right or wrong?

BUSH: Well, one thing is that you can rest assured we’re not going to talk about the techniques we use in a public forum. No matter how hard you try because I don’t want the enemy to be able to adjust their tactics if we capture them on the battlefield

Now why Bill O’Reilly wants George Bush to discuss our water boarding torture techniques on national television (even if it is on cable) is beyond me. Perhaps O’Reilly hates America…or maybe he thinks waterboarding has something to do with getting a woman into the shower and rubbing her boobs with a falafel until her nipples get hard; I don’t really know, nor do I want to. But I do know that broaching the subject on TV does as much damage to our nations security as pointing out that one of Vice President Richard Cheney’s daughters has little interest in a certain male organ that is remarkably similar in name to his nickname. I am speaking, of course, of ‘Face Shooter’.

Maybe I ought to get back to the water boarding. Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.

In fact, ever since those blabby treasonous bastards over at the New York Times started shooting off their stupid mouths about ‘water boarding this’, and ‘water boarding that’, our enemies have begun breeding a super-race of gilled Islamoaquaterrorists (or al Aquada) who will be smuggled into our country through our porous southern border (primarily South Padre Island) where they will mix in with Spring Breakers before wreaking havoc on our waterways.

Well, they’ll get to it right after One Dollar Jägermeister Shot Night. Oh, and the Girls Gone Wild tryouts…and the SpringBreak2007 Thong-a-Thon Beauty Pageant, which I think is scheduled for Thursday afternoon. I’ll get back to you on that. Anyway, the FBI has plans to pick up as many of them as they can at the Thong-a-Thon (easily spotted in the crowd when they yell “Aaoooo! Allah Akbar! Show us your tits! God is great! Aaoooooo!”) but there is always the risk that some of them will slip through our net and make their way to our water reservoirs where they will relieve themselves in our nations supply of drinking water, poisoning it because, let’s face it: that Jägermeister is some pretty nasty shit.

All I’m saying is, now would be a good time to stock up on a few extra cases of Aquafina.

You heard it here first.

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