Face the Snark
for the week ending 10/14/06:
NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim October 15 through October 21, 2006, as National Character Counts Week. I call upon public officials, educators, librarians, parents, students, and all Americans to observe this week with appropriate ceremonies, activities, and programs.
"Okay, kids, get your shit together. It's National Character Counts Week, and if the President says we should celebrate our national character, then goddammit, we're going to celebrate! Precott, put out that M-80 . . . no, not in the baby's diaper. Where's Kyle? Oh, crap, that's right, I forgot. He's off on that Outward Bound camping trip with the Congressman. That Kolbe sure likes his show tunes, but hell, at least he didn't kill anybody. Mordecai, go tell your sister to finish that "Deer Head in a Noose" decoupage project later. Come on, come on, come on! I gotta go pick up your father at his girlfriend's house. Jesus Christ, I hope he didn't try to choke her to death again. We can't afford the bail for a second offense. Now where the hell did I put the car keys?
No, Mordecai, I told you already! First, we're going down to church to hear Father JimBob's sermon against gay marriage. Then it's over to the mall to check out the Abu Ghraib sex ring pictures on display. Your father wants to go to the library for the burning of copies of that awful "Farenheit 451" book, so we'll stop there before we hit the GM dealership so he can trade in his Excursion for that new Hummer he's had his eye on. Yeah, right, ooooh, the ice caps are melting! If the globe is warming, why's it so fuckin' cold outside, huh wiseguy? And besides, gas prices are down this month, so it won't cost us nothin' to fill up the tank. What do you think your uncle died in Iraq for? Now chop, chop, you little bastards! We don't have all day!"
Busy week, huh. The survey methodology employed at MIT, Johns Hopkins, and the British medical journal Lancet are deemed "not credible" by the people who brought you "The Sixteen Different Reasons We Invaded Iraq", Bob Ney pleads guilty but doesn't resign his seat, l'affaire du Foley keeps morphing like the virus in "The Andromeda Strain", and that "intrangigent" (Bush's word, not mine) Kim Jong Il detonates an underground nuke to get George's attention.
In his inestimable way, the Rude Pundit provides . . . graphically detailed . . . analysis of Bush's presser last week, in which he pretty much avoided questions, got all petulant yet again, and admired some poor schmuck's expensive suit. Norbizness at Happy Furry Puppy Story Time reinterprets the presser for the masses. And as always, Holden at First Draft parses the press conference, so you don't have to.
djw at Lawyers, Guns and Money quite accurately predicts the response by the nut-o-sphere to the Lancet study. Basically, it's along the lines of "la la la la, I can't heeeeear you!" And if you haven't seen it yet, you MUST watch "The War of the Words".
Okay, so the North Korean version of George W. Bush gets all pissy and decides that Iraq's hogging all the attention. What to do, what to do? Oooh, fire off a nuke! Sound vaguely familiar? Tata at Agitprop notes the similarities between the leaders.
The Heretik distills the new Republican stragetery in three lines or fewer. BooMan of the eponymous Booman Tribune notes that the hardcore wingnuts are still waiting for that "deus ex machina" to save Election Day. Oliver Willis provides a most interesting "tell" in the Florida race.
Hairy Fish Nuts exposes the REAL conspiracy behind Foleygate. Richard Cranium at The All-Spin Zone ruminates about the demise of the Republican "velvet mafia," in light of Foleygate. Jesus' General claims the movie rights. And TBogg proves once again that the joke is in the telling.
One of the more entertaining stories that flew under the radar this week was that while making a public appearance, Jeb Bush got chased [back?] into a utility closet by a group of angry steelworkers. Naturally, he denies this. For your edification, the good folks at World o' Crap have created the "Jeb Burliness Index" so that you, too, can determine whether you'd be cowed by disgruntled union members.
And it's only because I read the profile while on a long subway ride out to Queens, NY, that I knew the answers to No More Mister Nice Blog's quiz about Christopher Hitchens. To quote Adam West's Batman, "poor, deluded girl."
Eli at Multi Medium has a nifty game for you to play: "Survivor – The Bill of Rights Edition"!
Tengrain at Mock, Paper, Scissors has located one of the more scrofulous comments to come out of the bigotsphere . . . and a photoshop job I wish I'd thought of.