Face the Snark
Behold the Lord High Executioner
A personage of noble rank and title —
A dignified and potent officer,
Whose functions are particularly vital!
To the Lord High Executioner!
for the week ending 9/30/06:
"I'd like to thank you all for coming down to headquarters tonight. The last month has been pretty rough on this campaign, but so long as we stick to our God-given guns and hammer home the platform that we stand on, we will be victorious on November 7th. So let me address your concerns one by one.
"First, my unquestioning support for the Military Commissions Act. I understand that you might be a bit apprehensive about stripping habeas corpus from the Constitution. I know, I know, it's a right that protects people from being imprisoned without charge for as long as the government likes. But you know what? Our forefathers signed the Declaration of Independence before 9/11. We gotta shake things up after 205 years . . . 210 . . . well you do the math. Remember — this isn't about the few dolphins that get caught in the net; this is about that whole school of tuna over there that we have to round up to keep us safe here.
"Now about the whole 'torture' thing. I think that's been blown completely out of proportion. I mean, gosh! Who here hasn't been barked at by a dog once or twice? Congress wouldn't dream of messing with the Geneva Conventions and put our military folks at risk. What this legislation does is allow the President to decide what qualifies as an 'alternative interrogation method.' That's all. It doesn't put the lash in his hand; it just gives him the right to exercise his Executive judgment. And we all know how important the right to exercise is to him.
Third, I flat out reject the lies being told in the liberal media that I regularly used the "n" word in everyday conversations. Listen, I only use the "n" word for special occasions. Besides, my mama taught me to use "porch monkey" when I talk about blacks.
And lastly, before this whole 'sex with a minor' story gets spun out of control by the Democrats, let me just reassure you — it's not what you think. Yes, I was in the shower soaping up my 15 year-old page, but I was teaching him how to save water. After all, I was one of the key proponents of the Clean Water Preservation Act, and I believe in practicing what I preach. And yes, my wife has moved out of the house, but it's only because we're having some renovations done in our bedroom.
Now that we've cleared all that up, let's get back to the issues at hand: combating gay marriage, building a fence around this country that would make China blush, and keeping our economy goin' strong! Y'all can pick up your food vouchers on the way out the door. Thank you!"
It says a quite a bit about how far we've fallen as a country that my black mood after the Senate sanctioning of Pinochet II on Thursday was lifted considerably by news that yet another Republican politician was found, more or less, in bed with a young boy. Jeebus. You can always count of the Democrats to roll over when the going gets tough, but likewise, you can always rely on the Republicans to inadvertently (or not?) drag a skeleton or two out of their closets just when they're regaining momentum.
As per usual, The Rude Pundit scoffs at the Republican doublespeak.
Osama bin Laden laughed at the absurdity of the statements of those supporting the Military Commissions Act of 2006. At the fact that, with a straight face (for, indeed, what other face does he have?), Senator Mitch McConnell could say, "We are at war against extremists who want to kill our citizens, cripple our economy, and discredit the principles we hold dear–freedom and democracy," even as he voted to gut some of those principles like a river trout before a campfire.
If I Ran the Zoo puts it as plainly as possible. We want our Legislative branch back, please.
The folks at legal fiction set forth a pretty damning compare-and-constrast between Bush's second inaugural speech and Congress' "accountability moment" last Thursday. TBogg provides the appropriate artwork.
Stephen Griffin at Balkinization suggests a place to start for the Democrats who might be a wee bit concerned about the state of the nation.
Larry Johnson over at Booman Tribune provides a checklist for Republican wannabes.
But still, there is reason to smile, at least faintly. Nancy Gregg at democratic underground identifies the victims of the latest Republican highway pile-up.
Reporter-turned-windsock Bob Woodward has a new book out damning the Bush administration's failed Iraqi adventure. Yes, that's the same Henry Kissinger counselling the White House as last time. And no, as the Cunning Realist notes, we're really not too concerned about grammar, at this point.
Senator George Felix Allen, Jr. has taken a backhoe to the hole he's digging. TAPPED's Ben Adler drinks from the cup of sweet schadenfreude. And Trent Lott seems to be jealous that Allen's retaining his title as "Head Racist."
Rising Hegemon's Attaturk detects just a faint glimmer of stupidity in the words of John "Is That a Moustache on Your Face or Are You a Human Car Wash?" Bolton.
Roy Edroso at alicublog provides a primer on proper snark. It is magically delicious.
Blogenfreude at Agitprop rounds up the usual suspects for the weekly display of feces flinging on the Right. And while we're on the subject of civility, a bonus episode of The Poor Man Institute's "Keyboard Kommandos."