Face the Snark
image cross-posted at Dependable Renegade
For the torturous week ending 9/16/06:
Memorandum to file: Patient 766694, George Walker Bush
Intake report notes that patient suffered a massive mental collapse while attempting to solve a sudoku puzzle. EEG readings indicate that despite the patient’s actual age of 60, brain development had ceased by approximately his eleventh year. Have instructed neurologist to collect sample of brain tissue for further study. Will commence talking therapy immediately.
Day 4: Little progress made with patient today. Patient continues to exhibit paranoid delusional behavior, refers to his roommate as "Saddam." Patient will not relinquish his roommate’s crocheted afghan blanket. He claims the blanket is his imperial cape and that it grants him magical powers. When I ask him what specifically he derives from the afghan, he grows agitated and tells me that the information is classified and he will not discuss it without Dick Cheney present. Patient also insists on calling me "Helen" and wants to know why I won’t, just once, ask him an easy question.
Day 6: Patient is in garrulous mood, announces that he read 45 books last night. I tell him that I share his love of books and ask for recommendations. Patient grows agitated, insists that information is classified, and changes the subject, requesting to see our "torture rooms" where he can witness a detainee "waterboarding." I explain that this is a hospital where we help people. He becomes sullen at this point and stares out the window, refusing to answer any more questions unless I show him head shots of NBC’s "beautiful" David Gregory.
Day 7: Patient refuses to remove the afghan blanket from his head. He announces from beneath the blanket that he is solving the problem of the country’s dependency on foreign oil. He then unleashes a long tattoo of flatulence and giggles uncontrollably. I ask him what is so funny and he throws back the blanket and says, "Git it? Natural gas!"
Day 9: Patient appears distant and removed today. He proclaims that the Final Awakening is near. I tell him I wasn’t aware of it and ask him to clarify what he means. Patient clutches the afghan, replies that any clarification isn’t his responsibility and that the United Nations should be dismantled. He turns belligerent, demanding that unless Congress passes a bill that retroactively legalizes all the crimes he’s committed, he will blow up the world. He also asks me whether it’s true that Lee Greenwood is, in fact, gay.
Oh, like it couldn’t happen. Say it with me: Vincent Gigante.
This was, for sure, the week of clarity for Bush and his team of professionals. Billmon "encapsulates" it best, I believe:
. . . if Article 3 is so "vague," and our organs of state security never use torture (as President Cheney and his underlings tell us repeatedly) then why are the administration’s mouthpieces fighting so hard to get Congress to bar the courts from reviewing methods such as hypothermia, near drowning, standing in place with hands shackled over head for 40 hours or more, etc.? And why are the Rovian clone clowns on Capitol Hill trying to amend the War Crimes Act? And why are CIA operatives suddenly taking out torture insurance (including the "accidental" death or dismemberment rider)? The answers are pretty obvious: They’re all exposed. Their great big flabby asses are hanging out in the legal breeze, and they know it.
The Rude One piles on:
The most frightening aspect of the press conference was not the sight of the ostensible leader of the "free" world screeching and jabbing like a chicken that got into the meth stash. No, it was Bush’s insistence that captured American soldiers are just a "hypothetical." Pressed by David Gregory on whether he could abide another country saying it was interpreting the Geneva Conventions however it wanted when it came to treatment of a hypothetical American, Bush simply said that it was okay by him if it was like what he wants: "I am saying that I would hope that they would adopt the same standards we adopt." GI, get ready for your waterboarding.
The Heretik was bemused by Bush’s Rose Garden performance: "To say Bush was a little agitated would be an understatement. The less kind would say he was hopping like somebody just shoved a hot poker up his butt."
But lest we forget, the week started with Bush’s tragedy tour, marking the fifth anniversary of his colossal fuck-up. Thers at Whiskey Fire hopes everyone celebrated Patriot Day accordingly.
Rising Hegemon‘s Dr. Atta J. Turk provides a weighty, non-exclusive list of Bush’s accomplishments since his "bullhorn bullshit." Norbiz at Happy Furry Puppy Storytime supplies the English translation of Bush’s speech from last Monday.
Well, at least Bush can rest assured that he is considered, at least by one closeted Republican, to be the most "manly man" in the United States. Oh, stop laughing!
The Editors at The Poor Man Institute looks to The Moustache of Wisdom to explain our little Iraqi adventure.
The Republicans in disarray as they scramble to keep their seats this November? Steve O at Bring It On! provides yet another vivid image that Democrats foolishly won’t use for the elections.
"And Leon’s getting laaaaaaaarger!" Denny Hastert receives fan mail from Jesus’ General.
Oliver Willis counsels that it’s wise not to underestimate Republican stupidity. Roy Edroso at alicublog enthusiastically agrees. Charlie Pierce at TAPPED shudders at the thought of so many of them in one room.
And just because I think it’s funny: Will Bunch at Attytood proposes a way to broker a deal with Pakistan.