Face the Snark
for the week ending 9/9/06:
[The following is an open letter to George W. Bush from Bill Clinton’s penis]
Well, George, I gotta say — even though I only have one eye, I should have seen this coming. I mean, I’d heard in various executive washrooms that you and your people harbored a massive grudge against me for being so irresistible, but to invade a sovereign nation, empty America’s coffers, destroy the United States’ reputation in the world, and make this planet much less safe because you wanted to show that yours is, at least metaphorically, bigger, wider, more powerful? That’s just sick, man. What the hell is wrong with you? Tell me, when you were a kid, did that wire monkey that passes for your mama point at you "down there" and laugh because you were even less endowed than your sister, Doro? Did all those hours with your childhood imaginary friend blasting all those defenseless frogs to smithereens anesthetize you to the CIA torture rooms you reluctantly admitted really do exist? See, I want to understand why you spend so much time trying to prove your manhood to your dad and anyone marginally more popular than you are.
And now because your little Iraq adventure failed to make you BMOC in the Middle East (or anywhere else, for that matter), I hear that some of your right-wing, Bible-humping fans have scripted a "docudrama" blaming my boy for letting 9/11 happen, despite the fact that according to every Gregorian calendar I’m aware of, September 11, 2001 was officially on your watch. The HELL? It’s Bill’s fault that you didn’t sit up and take notice when Harriet Miers handed you that Aug. 6 PDB because you were too busy trying to peer down her Dress Barn "cowboy style" blouse? I know, it was her smoky, kohl-lined eyes that distracted you from capturing Osama bin Laden in Tora Bora when you had the chance? Jeez, man, it’s always anyone else’s fault but yours, eh? Oh, and by the way, I hear this "docudrama" is so loosely based on the official 9/11 Commission Report that it might as well have been plagiarized from "Mildred Pierce." Whatever you’re holding over Gloved Mouse, Inc. and its subsidiaries to guarantee they air this potentially libelous piece of revisionist crap must be something tasty, indeed.
Face it, George: you’re already going down in history as the worst President this country’s ever had. You really need to get a grip on something other than that fun-sized roll of Life Savers in your pocket.
P.S. When you figure out how to navigate a submarine past that series of locks and dams on the Arkansas River, then maybe I’ll let Bill give you a clear shot at the Clinton Library, okay?
Yes, folks, another busy week filled with forehead-slapping, "No, he diiiiiin’t just say that!" moments, courtesy of BushCo. BooMan of the eponymous BooMan Tribune gives us a round-up of this particularly chock-filled week. I suspect it’s only going to get worse the closer we get to Election Day. Strap yourselves in.
And since we are coming up on the fifth anniversary of 9/11, it’s only fitting that the sarcasm on the blogs this week was directed at the inevitable reenactments of Bush’s "megaphone moment." TBogg has the inside skinny on what to expect from the Preznit’s "prime time" address to the nation on Monday night. Thank god for Monday Night Football.
In true wingnut fashion, Dinesh D’Souza, projecting like the Regal Cinema multiplex on Route 4 in Paramus, NJ, seeks to lay the blame for 9/11 at the feet of "America’s cultural left." Um…quoi? Michael Berube reviews D’Souza’s latest screed.
As Bush noted in one of his "nonpolitical" political speeches during the week in which he accuses bin Laden of being worse than Hitler and Lenin combined, America is "safer but not yet safe." Richard Cranium at The All-Spin Zone says, "Hold the phone. Let’s not be so hasty to categorize the U.S. as ‘safer’." The Rude Pundit says pretty much the same, except with some additional, flowery language.
Our Dear Leader fondly recollects spending 9/11 in the toilet on Air Force One.
At great risk to his own mental well-being, Holden at First Draft tries to analyze Bush’s limousine interview with Charles Gibson. BTW, you can now reach Holden at the Austin Sanitorium. Visiting hours are 11 a.m. to 3 p.m.
NTodd of Dohiyi Mir catches another Bush accidental truth and provides comparative illustrations. (Completely as an aside, NTodd’s been having great fun at Dan Gerstein’s expense over at the official Losermanblog – they pulled the comments this morning, the wussies.)
There have been a wealth of storyboards for "Path to 9/11 (Or How I Learned That Bill Clinton was Responsible for the Sacking of Troy)". The Editors were fortunate enough to be granted access to the official storyboards. Tengrain at Media Needle provides the outtake reels. D r i f t g l a s s was the set photographer, apparently. Take a look. And don’t hog the popcorn.
Think you could make it at Disney? The 100% heterosexual General J.C. Christian has a couple of pitch ideas that might just be Disney’s answer to "Titanic." I wonder if the General would ensure product placement in his films for Holy Huggables.
Finally, Lindsay at Majikthise warns us about stingrays.