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Paging Stephen Colbert: Alan Schlesinger Needs You


Hi, Stephen.  It’s been ages since we’ve spoken.  Okay, we’ve never spoken, but I feel I know you.  I feel it, so it must be true.

See, I’m a partisan, like you.  It’s true, I’m one of those you say hates America, but what I really hate is sucking bouillon cubes.  I want my in-flight liquids back.  But I digress.  I have a matter of bipartisan urgency to bring to your attention today, so I’m reaching around the aisle.  I’m offering you a reach-around.  No need to thank me.

Alan Schlesinger needs you. 

Now, I know you know who he is:  he’s the conservative competing with Joe Lieberman for the conservative vote in Connecticut.  The general election in Connecticut has turned into a GOP primary, part deux, and Alan Schlesinger has a right to be heard by conservative voters.  After all, he’s put in his time for the party, and it’s not fair for Lieberman to just waltz in and assume he can have all those GOP votes.  The people – the comfortable, well capitalized captains of industry in Connecticut – deserve to be heard, no matter what Ken Mehlman says.  I’m sure you agree.

Get Alan Schlesinger on your show.  Let him make his case.  Take a look at how he handled himself with Matthews:  he’s just great on TV.

It’s true, Lieberman is to the right of Schlesinger on Iraq, but Schlesinger has made more aggressive statements about Iran and immigration than Lieberman has.  The base Republican voters in Connecticut should have a choice.  You can even invite Lieberman to debate his de-facto GOP primary opponent (part deux) on your show.  You still have that chair out for him, don’t you?

Stephen Colbert, America needs you.  Your party needs you.  As a partisan, it offends me any time I see the DC aristocrats telling base voters what to do, and I’m offended on behalf of all the crabgrassroots Republicans all over the country.  If they can bigfoot the crabgrassroots plutocrats in Connecticut, who’s to say they can’t do the same to the morally upright movement conservatives in Colorado Springs?  I’m sure you see the danger.

Oh, and thanks for sticking up for Geraldo.  That former boss of yours, Stewart, is just beyond the pale.  Call me any time you need another, er, helping hand from me.

In Liberty,


PS:  Stephen, if you bring Alan on, please mention me on air ("Pah-cha-KOO-tehk").  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!  You have so many fans around here, you see. . . (this is what we call a shameless bleg).

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Pachacutec did not, as is commonly believed, die in 1471. To escape the tragic sight of his successors screwing up the Inca Empire he’d built, he fled east into the Amazon rain forest, where he began chewing lots of funky roots to get higher than Hunter Thompson ever dared. Oddly, these roots gave him not only a killer buzz, but also prolonged his life beyond what any other mortal has known, excluding Novakula. Whatever his doubts of the utility of living long enough to see old friends pop up in museums as mummies, or witness the bizarrely compelling spectacle of Katherine Harris, he’s learned a thing or two along the way. For one thing, he’s learned the importance of not letting morons run a country, having watched the Inca Empire suffer many civil wars requiring the eventual ruler to gain support from the priests and the national military. He now works during fleeting sober moments to build a vibrant progressive movement sufficiently strong and sustainable to drive a pointed stake through the heart of American “conservatism” forever. He enjoys a gay marriage, classic jazz and roots for the New York Mets.