By way of SZ at World O’ Crap (buy her book and nobody gets hurt) we are introduced to the delightful Jacqueline Mackie Paisley Passey who is looking for a good man to look deep into her eyes like she was a supermodel (to more or less quote The Refreshments).
According to her, what a catch she is:
I am a very high-quality woman. I know that sounds arrogant, but letâ€™s consider the facts:
- Iâ€™m slim (whereas 62% of American women age 20 to 74 are overweight)
- Iâ€™m attractive (my new picture has been rated more attractive than 86% of the women on Hot or Not — and the women who upload their pictures are a self-selected sample that is probably already biased towards being more attractive than the general female population)
- Iâ€™m relatively young (whereas 82% of American adult women are over 30 years old)
- Iâ€™m intelligent (IQ tested at 145 when I was a child, which is 3 standard deviations above the mean — higher than 99.85% of the population. Even if Iâ€™ve gotten dumber as Iâ€™ve aged Iâ€™m probably still at least a 130, which is higher than 97.5% of the population.)
- Iâ€™m educated (whereas 77% of American women do not have bachelorâ€™s degrees)
- I have my financial shit together (no debt, perfect credit history, 6+ months living expenses saved, adequate insurance, self employed)
- I have a strong libido and love having sex (my lover *never* has to beg, unless itâ€™s for me to let him get some sleep!)
- Most of my interests tend to be more popular with men than women: science fiction, libertarianism, blogging, politics, economics, guns, gambling, etc.
But before you princes of blogging, you kings of your mom’s rec room register your beer stein pattern at Crate & Barrel, you’ll have to first run through The Gauntlet of Rejection:
So, I have a *lot* of choices of men who want to date me. Given that, of course I choose to date only the highest quality men — men who are also fit, attractive, intelligent, educated, financially successful, etc. Iâ€™m attracted to men from any race and a wide age range (21 to 50 or so) so the pool of men who meet those requirements is quite large, which allows me to add all sorts of additional restrictions if I want — must be atheist, must be libertarian, must not want (more) children, must be financially independent or self-employed and available for frequent world travel, etc.
Some people scoffed at the long list of requirements in my personal ad last year. Yet in less than two weeks I found five men who met my listed requirements and wanted a relationship with me. If I were to put more time and effort into looking I could probably find hundreds of high-quality men who both met my standards and were interested in dating me too. I can be picky.
Ah. The quote that deflated a million penises (a grouping also known as a “clutch of penii”).
But JMMP is not without heart (although oddly enough she failed to mention one in her dating CV) and is willing to set you up with her friend who has a really cute smile and is a good dancer and is really funny and just looooves children:
I realize that some of you will find this post depressing because youâ€™ll realize that you donâ€™t qualify as a high quality man and thus wonâ€™t be able to get a high quality woman. You have a few options:
- Lower your standards and stop pursuing women who are out of your league. There are lots of fat single mothers out there who canâ€™t find dates either.
- Look in the developing world. If youâ€™re literate with a home computer and an internet connection you are very wealthy compared to the rest of the world. Citizenship or legal permanent residency in a rich country makes you more attractive to women in poorer countries. Your value on the dating market is thus much higher there.
- Self-improvement! I used to be a fat unattractive college dropout who couldnâ€™t get her life together. Now Iâ€™m thin, attractive, and successfully self-employed after graduating. You can make yourself over into a higher-quality man capable of winning a higher-quality woman too
And if you can’t make yourself into a “higher-quality man” you can still go forward with your sorry-ass rejected life by marrying a fat uneducated single mother mail-order bride. And maybe, just maybe, some evening when your fat uneducated formerly-single mother mail-order bride and her cretinous lice-infested children are tucked safely into their beds, you’ll start to feel a little wistful, a little misty for what could have been had Jacqueline Mackie Paisley Passey just given you a chance to show her the kind of man you are deep down inside. But then you’ll just smile a funny little smile when you remember that night when the moon was full and how you gazed deep into her eyes for what seemed like an eternity until finally you whispered “I love you” while masturbating to her image on Hot or Not.
Just like a Lifetime for Men movie. But with masturbation.