Face the Snark
AP/Haraz N. Ghanbari
For the week ending 8/5/06:
Welcome to the sweltering dog days of summer, when the heat is so unrelenting and the news so demoralizing that it takes all of your will not to rip off your clothes and stagger down the street screaming in the vain hope that somehow, somewhere, someone rational is going to step in and make the world right. Judging from the roundup, it looks like the heat was getting to everyone over the past seven days.
After I reviewed what I’d harvested, it occurred to me that this week, the blogs were unusually rich with stories about boobs. Not just boobs of the mammarial variety, but the right wing dunderheads, imbeciles, and buffoons providing a cornucopia of boobosity. I had a "Eureka!" moment, and I was going to name this column "The Week of the Boob" when I learned that this was actually National Clown Week. The serendipity of that . . . well, it just kind of freaked me out. I really don’t like clowns. They’re openly hostile and have major boundary issues and are fashion victims and they scare me.
But I digress. In order to acknowledge this fortuitous cleaving of events, I dub this week: Week of the Scary Stupid Boob.
With virtually the entire planet a giant "hot spot" thanks to Scary Stupid Boob Numero Uno’s foreign policy, Dr. Atta J. Turk pens an ode to the Preznit’s "merdes touch." He’s still waiting to hear from Nick Lowe’s people.
The heat and the stress must be getting to Bush as well, because according to Holden of the Ponies, the Preznit’s typically tortured extemporizin’ is growing even more incoherent. Maybe they’ve upped his dosage. Good thing it’s vacatin’ time for Chimpy McFlightsuit, cuz nothing says evironmental conservation like hacking down all the trees on your property to show your daddy that you’re twice the man he ever was.
Yes, it’s August, and since Bush will be avoiding Cindy Shee. . . er, cutting short his vacation, the window of opportunity for a colossal fuckup by the administration is now officially open. The Man of Inaction‘s got dem craaaaazy legs just thinking about it! And if it’s August, then September (and all that that implies) can’t be far behind. Are you ready?
Although I was rather miffed that his real name isn’t Throatwarbler Mangrove, TBogg deserves special commendation for his weeklong coverage of the Prom Queen of Scary Stupid Boob High School, "Israeli Trippin’ Pammy" of Atlas’ Juggs. As if Israel wasn’t already knee-deep in it, Mizz Thang slipped out of her "investigative reporter" costume and went to Tel Aviv undercover as a tourist, where, when she wasn’t busy looking for a Tasti-D-Lite store or buying up all the camo tank tops, was thrusting her videocamera and her double barrels into the faces of weakly smiling soldiers and transforming the Israeli-Hezbollah conflict into her own gum-snapping melodrama. (In her defense, at least she went to Israel, which is more than I can say for Doughy "Fighting the War on Terror From the Driver’s Seat of a Minivan Somewhere in Oregon" Pantload.)
Frankly, the whole of NRO’s The Corner is the Borg of Scary Boobs. Roy at alicublog watches in morbid fascination as K-Lo and Lebanese-born Whalid Phares try to analyze "the Lebanon problem."
What I dislike more than scary stupid boobs like Bush are angry, delusional ones. Jean Schmidt, that little bundle of distemper wrapped in a bow, this week penned a "Dear Santa" letter that makes your average kindergartner’s attempts at collecting their thoughts sound like Solzhenitsyn. But it’s her rip-off of Richard Condon that is most laughable:
The United States is the kindest, most generous country to ever exist on this planet.
You can’t make this scheisse up. Sporty, over at Roger Ailes, takes a red pen to the rest of Mean Jean’s letter.
Finally, other Boobs in Brief:
The Self-Destructing Boob: Charlie Pierce has a few choice words for Senator Lieberman (D. Buh-Bye), General J.C. Christian has a few GOTV pointers for the purchased Lieberyouth, and Nim, the Hamhock of Liberty, provides a helpful fashion tip.
Alcohol-Addled-and-Anti-Semitic Boobs: Jews worldwide were thrilled to find out that Mel Gibson, the Malibu Martyr, has a Jewish publicist and an Israeli bodyguard. World O’ Crap and The Editors answer all of your questions about Melcoholism.
The Rapidly Deflating Boob: Oh, Katie. It’s so much fun watching you career around the room as the air hisses out of your campaign.
The "Eww, You Did WHAT to Rush?" Boob: I know you’re all terribly heartened to learn that after breaking up with Rush Limbaugh, Daryn Kagan is now breaking up with CNN to start her own "spiritual" website.
The Boob of Shock and Awe: It was great fun watching Donald Rumsfeld rewrite history on Thursday (and even more fun watching Hillary Clinton bitchslap him). My goodness.