M. Night Shyamalameassending

Some watery tart

I promised you a contest and a contest you shall have.

He made a lot of money with The Sixth Sense.

He made us say, “What the –? Are you kidding me? Jesus, that’s stupid!” at the ending of Unbreakable

He tested our faith, our patience, and our good nature with Signs.

And with The Village he reminded us that we had seen that episode of Twilight Zone about thirty years before

Yes, M. Night Shyamlan, who makes the auteur theory want to move to Milwaukee and change its name to Larry, is back…and he’s discovered water imagery! with Lady In The Water.

A brief synopsis, if you will:

Cleveland Heep (Paul Giamatti) has been quietly trying to disappear among the burned-out lightbulbs and broken appliances of the Cove apartment complex. But on the night that irrevocably changes his life, Cleveland finds someone else hiding in the mundane routine of the modest building — a mysterious young woman named Story (Bryce Dallas Howard), who has been living in the passageways beneath the building’s swimming pool. Cleveland discovers that Story is actually a “narf” — a nymph-like character from an epic bedtime story who is being stalked by vicious creatures determined to prevent her from making the treacherous journey from our world back to hers. Story’s unique powers of perception reveal the fates of Cleveland’s fellow tenants, whose destinies are tied directly to her own, and they must work together to decipher a series of codes that will unlock the pathway to her freedom. But the window of opportunity for Story to return home is closing rapidly, and the tenants are putting their own lives at great risk to help her. Cleveland will have to face the demons that have followed him to the Cove — and the other tenants must seize the special powers that Story has brought out in them — if they hope to succeed in their daring and dangerous quest to save her world… and ours.

You mission, should you accept it, is to come up with the kind of ending that we have come to expect from M. Night. You know: ridiculously tacked on and painted into a corner. The kind of ending that will surprise the goobers who still get all goosebumpy at the s-l-o-w-l-y turning doorknob shot that M. favors so much (one wonders how he will manage to insert it into the Life of Pi screenplay that he is at work on).

How to enter? Just come up with a classic M. Night Shyamalameassending for Lady In The Water in 150 words or less and email it to tblogg @ hotmail.com by Saturday night. Put lameass in the subject line so that I can pick it out from the commands from My Dark Lord Kos that fill my box each day. Only one entry per person. And no stealing plot twists from Rapebear.

The winner will be chosen by me, so c’mon dazzle me, amuse me, make me your prize-givin’ bitch.

Oh yeah. The prize. The winner gets the two-disc special edition of Network which actually has a beginning, middle and end. If you already own Network, you’ll get its direct descendent: Harold and Kumar. Winner to be announced Sunday night if I don’t have anything better to do.

Whattya waiting for? Get to screenwritin’….

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Yeah. Like I would tell you....