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Late Nite FDL: The Shocking Shocking SHOCKING Truth!!

kingpin kos

(image by darkblack!) 

Ladies and gentlemen, this may be the last transmission from me that you receive.  By revealing the information I am about to entrust to you, I am placing my life in grave danger.  I have locked myself in the FDL control tower and will broadcast as long as I am able, but already I hear the warble of alarms deep within the bowels of the building and I fear that my time is near.  Tell my family and friends that I love them and that I died fighting for the truth.

The blogosphere as you know it is an illusion.  Brave reporters like TNR’s Jason Zengerle and David Brooks of the New York Times are beginning to understand the truth, but they have only scratched the surface of what is a vast and tightly orchestrated plot to bring down the Democratic party and, most of all, Senator Joe Lieberman. 

FDL Security is outside, now, banging on the door.  Shit.  I have to type quickly.  There are some important facts that I have to tell you.

1. Kos, in fact, does run everything. 

There’s been a lot of joking about "Kos won’t let us do that" or "I would love to tell you what I think, but Markos hasn’t given me my opinion yet", but you have no idea how serious this is.  Let me tell you something, when I expressed interest in becoming a contributor here, Christy contacted me and said, "There are some things you have to do first."

I was sent to spend six weeks on the Kos Kompound in the hills north of San Francisco.  There, among thousands of other initiants to the Faith, I was married in a group wedding, forced to dress in nothing but a shapeless gray shift and a loincloth, shorn of my hair, and put to work in the salt mines of the Townhouse Blogging Cabal, a shady group of affiliated blogs who form the power core of the liberal blog world.  You would be amazed who is on that list, and you’d be amazed who isn’t.  Someday, I hope the whole truth will be known.

As an aspirant to the Firedoglake branch of Townhouse Cabal, I was accorded some special privileges and allowed in the actual Presence of The Markos, as long as I kept my eyes trained on the floor when I fanned him with palm fronds, massaged his feet (*shudder*), and hauled stacks of money to the bathtub, where he rolled naked in it, shrieking, "I’m RICH!!  I’m RICH, RICH, RICH!!  HAA HAAAAA HAAA HAAAA!!!"

It was horrible

2. There is a huge amount of money in blogging, but not from who you think. 

Many people came and went at all hours of the day and night at the Kompound.  I saw briefcases handcuffed to some of the hardest-looking hard-cases you’ve ever seen.  I have every reason to suspect that while I was there, millions, if not billions of dollars changed hands in cash, jewels, illegal arms, narcotics and government and corporate contracts.  There was one trio of men in fake beards and heavy overcoats who often came in the middle of the night.  Once, as I was taking their coats, I realized that I recognized the Borsalino fedora I was handed. 

It belonged to none other than Jumpin’ Jack Abramoff. Then I realized that his two companions were Ralph Reed and Tom DeLay.  When I came back from the coat-closet, the door was locked and I was sent to bed.

The next day, I was out with some other novitiates weeding Markos’s lawn and trimming the grass with scissors.  A huge black SUV pulled up to the curb and out stepped what I thought at first was a giant, ambulatory intestinal polyp.

It was Denny Hastert.  He stood shifting from foot to foot and glancing nervously up at the house.  "You there!" he called to me, "Have you seen Jack?  Or Tommy?"

"Who?" I asked.

"YOU know who!"  he shot back.

"We honor Kos in all we say, think, and do!" I said to him, smiling, for a guard was approaching with a pair of snarling Rottweillers, which he turned on Hastert.  

I looked away.  I still hear the screams in my nightmares.

3. The Townhouse Elite are republican operatives.

This plan has been years in the making.  Everyone on the elite Townhouse Mailing List; Markos, Aravosis, TBogg, Digby, and yes, even our own Jane and Christy are actually in the pay of a covert wing of the Republican party whose sole mission is to bring down Joe Lieberman before he can win the presidential race in 2008.  They recognize that Joe is the last decent Democrat, and this whole blog insurgency is an elaborate ploy to move the party so far to the Left that we will be disenfranchised and abandoned by the American public.

Senator Lieberman, listen to me.  No matter how paranoid you are being, it’s not paranoid enough.  This plan was set in motion decades ago, before some of its current operatives were even born.  They paid Ann Coulter to endorse you.  They paid that old guy to make a complete sucking chest wound of a campaign commercial for you.  Trust NO ONE!  These people are ruthless and will STOP AT NOTHING!!

4. The Final Twist 

They’ve started using a blow-torch on the door.  I have to make this fast.  This is what you will read in Jason Zengerle’s column tomorrow, but I am putting it here just in case anything happens to him between now and then:

The last hope of the Democrats is Jerome Armstrong.  Zengerle sent a message to me earlier today that he has emails from Steve Gilliard that conclusively prove that Armstrong is actually a Terminator sent by desperate humans in the future to sell junk bonds in the 90’s and derail the blog revolution from within!  Trust no one!  Believe nothing you hear!  The truth i

[Ed. note: What you have just read is the product of a deeply disturbed mind.  Mr. TRex has been placed in protective custody for observation and will be taking some time off from posting to spend more time with his family.  Do not be alarmed.  Normal blogging will resume shortly.  Look!  Over there!  Something shiny!]

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TRex is a 60-million-year-old theropod who enjoys terrorizing trailer parks, stomping his enemies, and eating things that get in his way or annoy him. He is single and looking for a new boyfriend. He's 60 feet tall, green, with delicate forelimbs, large, sharp teeth, and a lengthy tail. Turn-ons include political activism, bashing conservatives, and volcanoes. Turn-offs are vegetarians, right-wing blogs, and killer asteroids.