We Got the Ninjas!
(guest post by Taylor Marsh)
Hey, Alberto Gonzales here.
So, I’m sitting around in my air conditioned office in Washington the other day thinking, I need to make an arrest. It’s just been way too quiet lately and the boss is taking incoming from generals, veterans and military families on Iraq. I need to do something. I need to prove we’re fighting them "over here" to make… well, anyway, we need to keep America safe.
Anyway, an FBI agent walks in and starts talking about a tip we just got from someone down in Miami. With Jeb down there it’s friendly territory anyway, so I thought, what the hell, right? Next, I allocate some funds and sign off on an operational request. We called it Operation Ninja, and then my personal FBI agent buddy — not a regular FBI agent, but one of our Republican moles — gets on the phone to Florida.
So, now I’m a Ninja fighter. You may ask, why am I calling the bad ass terrorists in Florida Ninjas? Because they dressed up in "ninja clothing" to disguise their purpose and to shape shift between good and evil doers. It was on cable. It’s true.
But after my FBI agent calls the head Ninja, a problem arises. Sure, they want to blow up stuff and raise hell in America. After all, that’s what homegrown terrorists do. But the Florida Ninjas don’t have a camera to take pictures of the buildings they want to blow up.
They don’t have boots.
They don’t have guns, equipment or any weapons of any kind. They don’t even have explosives. There was "no threat from this cell."
They don’t even have a van to case the building they hope to target.
That means more money and set up costs for me, so that the Florida Ninjas can set up shop so I can go in and arrest them for plotting terrorism. Well, this is a presidential pain.
And I have to do all this while also planning a big fancy blow out press conference for when I arrest the Florida Ninjas. Sheesh. An attorney general’s job is never done.
Then I find out that there’s been "absolutely no plotting" from these "mutant jihadists." The mainstream press is also calling them "incompetent wannabes." Yeah, but they’re MY incompetent wannabes. I made these guys. These evil doers are mine.
We now rejoin reality, already in progress, which is owned by the progressive community…
Taylor, here. Color me cynical, but wake up and smell the election year fear campaign. Hear Karl Rove hiss. I’m all for catching terrorists, but when you catch a bunch of wannabe jihadists in ninja clothing just arrest them. Do you need to call a glory hound press conference?
Hold on, Alberto’s back…
Hey, Alberto again. Won’t be able to check in until later because we got another tip. Seems a call just came in about a bunch of Boy Scouts planning a military skirmish outside Foggy Bottom. Sounds suspicious to me. Those guys have knives.