Blogiquette for beginners

And always pass to the right…

As you may be aware, over 7,000 new blogs are created on the internets every second, at least thirteen of which are not dedicated to discussing episodes of Battlestar Galactica. Because of such rapid growth it goes without saying that some of those who have joined we few, we happy few, we band of bloggers are not wise in The Way of The Blogâ„¢. There are many blind alleys that you don’t want to go down and, in fact, some have read this only to discover to their dismay that, not only doesn’t it explain The True Path To Multiple Links From Like-Minded Sociopaths, but that it also wasn’t printed on cushiony twin-ply, rendering it chafing if not entirely useless. You don’t want to be one of those people and even if you are, don’t admit it, taking full advantage of one of the benefits of blogging: you can lie like a Pentagon spokesman.

As a long time blogger, as well as a “somewhat popular” one to boot, I thought I might pass along to you assistant night-manager trainee bloggers (you know who you are) a few of the rules that will put you on the road to your Bh.D (a necessary requirement to either riches beyond your wildest dreams or being mentioned by Howie Kurtz for those who like to lay the bar on the ground and then trip over it). Tonight’s lesson is:

Implications and allusions

It is very important that you keep in mind that, when discussing people in the news or the punditocracy, you are mindful that each and every one of these persons are human beings with feelings and hopes and dreams deserving of respect. They have families and parents who love them and are proud of the way that they conduct their lives in the public eye. Except for Ann Coulter. She has no internal emotional life and even her parents think she’s a skank. But other people aren’t like Ann, and they should be treated in a dignified manner lest you be labeled “uncivil” and then even Josh Treviño won’t defend you when you show up on CSpan being pulled off of Ana Marie Cox at the White House Correspondents dinner while wearing a stained wifebeater and puking your guts out. Now I know that I’m dropping a lot of Inside Blogging names here but just nod and pretend like you know who I’m talking about. Remember: you’re a blogger. Pretense is your co-pilot.

The following are some examples of how to treat people in an acceptable manner.

  • Example #1: Two men from the Middle East are arrested on a misdemeanor trespassing charge so they must be terrorists and it is completely not racist to mention it.
  • Example #2: A black man, who happened to be the incumbent, wins re-election as the mayor of one of America’s biggest high-profile cities. Because he is a black man the logical conclusion is to call the voters stupid and compare him to another black mayor who smoked crack and took bribes. Again, not racist.

Example #3: A woman entrepreneur gives an interview with a major daily newspaper and expresses ambivalence about immigration policies in America. You link to everything that you can about her while skipping the text of her full feelings about immigration and then you wonder if the state shouldn’t investigate all of her employees to make sure that they aren’t here illegally and while they’re at it they should make sure that she is in complete compliance with every state and federal law. Oh, and here’s her fax number. Not even racist, once removed.

Every one of those posts are perfectly acceptable because they are in the spirit of Noonan’s Law which states:

Is it irresponsible to speculate? It is irresponsible not to.

But what isn’t within the bounds of blogging good taste and speculation? I’m glad you asked. This is just wrong:

Example of The Bad #1: A blog takes a look at a pundit of dubious research skills who also makes frequent appearances on a major cable news network despite the fact that she has the stage presence of a slightly stunted fourteen year-old and then the blogger asks whether she might have additional skills hitherto not revealed or mentioned in any of her poorly written books or in her official biography.

This is totally racist and unhinged and so not funny, you bastards. And so we ask: Is it irresponsible to unhinged?

You make the call.

Next week- The Pot & The Kettle: Both Black. Both Probably On The Welfare

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