The Curious Incident of No Dog In The Backyard

Family portrait: Rick, Karen, and Orville

Via Atrios we learn that Rick Santorum has people sneaking around his theoretical primary residence in Penn Hills and wife Karen has unleashed the hounds. Okay, not the hounds, but the local constables who have nothing better to do than check up on an empty house.

Since Vince Galko obviously needs help in explaining away what might be an awkward situation, we put our crack team of excuse-makers on the case.

  • Since Karen and Rick Santorum truly care about those with mental disabilities they are letting their close personal friend Mr. Arthur “Boo” Radley live in the house rent free. Mr. Radley is a very private man and we would ask that the public respect his privacy. No peeking in the windows or looking behind the doors.
  • You may not know this but Karen and Rick Santorum are patrons of the arts and the house in Penn Hills is the current home of an installation entitled “Negative Space with Dust Bunnies“. Viewings are by appointment only.
  • Current statutes in the state of Pennsylvania state that a home is considered “occupied” as long as one member of the family makes it their primary residence. Currently Gabriel Santorum is the sole occupant. He resides in a large jar on the mantle in the family room. (Yes, that is sick, but no sicker than making your young children cuddle and kiss a dead baby)
  • The Penn Hills Homeowners Association has a strict “No dogs” restrictive covenant and the Santorum kids so love their little Yorkie, “Orville Reddenbarker”, or as Rick calls him: “Orifice”.
  • The Santorums love children and know that no child should be denied the childhood memory of having a spooky empty neighborhood house, particularly at Halloween time. The fact that there may or may not be a baby in a jar on the mantle in the family room provides the house with a frisson of creepiness that you just can’t get with a scarecrow, fake spiderwebs, or a cranky old man with a shotgun on the front porch.
  • Karen Santorum hired a feng shui expert who told her “Nothing. Leave it completely empty.” then handed her a bill which Rick’s PAC paid for.
  • The Penn Hills area is woefully under-IKEA’d
  • The Santorums are getting the property ready for sale because Rick is expecting to get laid off at the end of the year.

I kind of like that last one. It has the ring of truth.

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